Sunday, 22 January 2006

In which we succumb to 55er mania

Succumb

‘Want to go up to the terrace while the order gets ready?’
‘Yes.’ As simple as that. No games.
...
Her eyes glistened in the moonlight.
‘I...’
Whack!
My cheek stung. ‘That was for presuming I’d say “Yes.”’
Whack!
The other cheek. Christ. She’s ambidextrous. ‘And that was for being right.’
And then she kissed me.

9th January 2006. 55 words.
The addition of the ellipsis thanks to excellent suggestion from an anonymous commenter,
at

7 comments:

  1. J. Alfred PrufrockMonday, 23 January 2006 at 00:26:00 GMT+5:30

    Neat, very neat. The element of surprise makes for good erotica.

    But why did she kiss him BEFORE they went up to the terrace?

    J.A.P.

    ReplyDelete
  2. zigzacklyMonday, 23 January 2006 at 01:26:00 GMT+5:30

    JAP,

    Honoured.

    The eyes glistening in the moonlight bit was supposed to indicate that they were on the terrace by then. Didn't work, I guess.

    ReplyDelete
  3. AnonymousSaturday, 18 February 2006 at 02:03:00 GMT+5:30


    ‘Yes.’ As simple as that. No games.
    ...
    Her eyes glistened in the moonlight.

    ?

    ReplyDelete
  4. zigzacklySaturday, 18 February 2006 at 07:28:00 GMT+5:30

    Anon

    Would you care to expand on that question?

    ReplyDelete
  5. AnonymousSunday, 19 February 2006 at 00:36:00 GMT+5:30

    What I meant was putting ellipses between the two sentences would convey a sense of a break in narration, that of passing time, and the probably Mr. Prufrock would not wonder why she had kissed him BEFORE etc.

    ReplyDelete
  6. AnonymousSunday, 19 February 2006 at 00:37:00 GMT+5:30

    "and *then* probably Mr. Prufrock"..

    ReplyDelete
  7. zigzacklySunday, 19 February 2006 at 01:23:00 GMT+5:30

    Ah. Gotcha. Good suggestion. It shall be done. Many thanks.

    ReplyDelete

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