I’m a little despot
Short and stout
This is my hashtag
These are my louts
When the country's polling
Hear me shout
Now that I won UP
Can't have a Guja rout.
***
Little Ms Muffet
Went to the buffet
To get herself some food
She took some beef fry
And she didn't die
This was in Kerala, dude
***
Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
Where they met some goons quite hairy
Jack "fell down"
And broke his crown
Because being in love is unsanskari
***
Cowpat-cake Cowpat-cake
Photoshop man
Meme me a fake
As fast as you can
Proof it… oh eff that
Who reads anyway
If it's mocking Pappu
It has my okay
***
Little boy saffron,
Come blow your conch,
The gau-stuff's hit the fan
In a word, we are bonked.
But where is the boy
Who's good for the economy?
He's searching a haystack,
Finding black money.
Will you wake him?
No, not me;
The last time he 'acted'
We got demoneyed.
Showing posts with label nonsense. Show all posts
Showing posts with label nonsense. Show all posts
Friday, 10 November 2017
Tuesday, 14 February 2017
Journalusts
We're on the same beat and our publications compete
Alas it's only at press conferences that we get to meet
***
Avec moi ce soir, voulez vous coucher?
Say oui and I'll fill out the on-assignment voucher
***
Are things getting intense? Do we need clothes here?
I think we should practice full disclosure.
***
Your advance (copy) has been received and seen
Now, let's both get Lit, if you know what I mean
#BooksPageEdition
***
The markets are up by every index
Let's you and me meet and celebrate the sensex
#BusinessPageEdition
***
With edits and op-eds the editor can fiddle
Let's you and me spend some time fine-tuning your middle
#EditPageEdition
***
What would it take to get you to my kamra?
I could snapchat you my piece-to-camera
#TVEdition
***
Of course it's legal; of course you oughta
I should know; I'm a crime reporter
***
I'd be good for you, you know that my sweet
I spend all my time on the healthcare beat
***
No one will know if we hook up, I solemnly swear
My bylines are all under diplomatic affairs
***
Everyone knows Desk gives the best head
lines. So I'm a copy editor; take me to bed
***
I don't edit copy, I'm not a reporting hack
But I have a column that I could show you in the sack
***
That's a lens in my pocket but I'm happy to see ya
I'm the photographer and I'm good at exposures
***
Yes, you're with @BuzzFeedIndia, but I still think we should date
Here are 17 reasons why I know it will be great
***
I know you're very busy and online there's no off day
But surely you have time for a little @scroll_in the hay?
***
Of course you're very busy with that Page 1 lead today
But maybe later you and I could do an exposé?
***
I would confess my love which has grown & ripened
I would try to woo you but I don't even get a stipend
Alas it's only at press conferences that we get to meet
***
Avec moi ce soir, voulez vous coucher?
Say oui and I'll fill out the on-assignment voucher
***
Are things getting intense? Do we need clothes here?
I think we should practice full disclosure.
***
Your advance (copy) has been received and seen
Now, let's both get Lit, if you know what I mean
#BooksPageEdition
***
The markets are up by every index
Let's you and me meet and celebrate the sensex
#BusinessPageEdition
***
With edits and op-eds the editor can fiddle
Let's you and me spend some time fine-tuning your middle
#EditPageEdition
***
What would it take to get you to my kamra?
I could snapchat you my piece-to-camera
#TVEdition
***
Of course it's legal; of course you oughta
I should know; I'm a crime reporter
***
I'd be good for you, you know that my sweet
I spend all my time on the healthcare beat
***
No one will know if we hook up, I solemnly swear
My bylines are all under diplomatic affairs
***
Everyone knows Desk gives the best head
lines. So I'm a copy editor; take me to bed
***
I don't edit copy, I'm not a reporting hack
But I have a column that I could show you in the sack
***
That's a lens in my pocket but I'm happy to see ya
I'm the photographer and I'm good at exposures
***
Yes, you're with @BuzzFeedIndia, but I still think we should date
Here are 17 reasons why I know it will be great
***
I know you're very busy and online there's no off day
But surely you have time for a little @scroll_in the hay?
***
Of course you're very busy with that Page 1 lead today
But maybe later you and I could do an exposé?
***
I would confess my love which has grown & ripened
I would try to woo you but I don't even get a stipend
Animal Passions keeps calm and carries on
The female lllacme plenipes is the leggiest animal: she walks on 750
The male has just 562, & 4 of those are gonopods, which is V-day nifty
***
Arthropod aedeagi deliver spermatophores (capsules of spermatozoa)
Some leave 'em lying round on the ground (most only give them to their lovers)
***
Some arthropods also give their partners gifts of spermatophylax
Which are balls of nutrients for the kiddies; a better gift than lilacs
***
Most male spiders are smaller than females & a date could be a bad fate
So they detach their pedipalps & scarper & it continues to ejaculate
***
Daddy-longlegs couples mate & then mum delivers fertilised eggs
Dad Daddy guards ’em, & doesn’t let mum Daddy eat ’em, not even if she begs
***
The blanket octopus male doesn’t get between the sheets with his lover
He detaches a… load-bearing arm and leaves it with her to… deliver
***
Hyena females have pseudopenises: clitorises which protrude 7 inches
For males this means they have to practise to get it in in the clinches
***
Many placental mammals’ baculums & baubellums aid 'em when having sex
Not humans alas, but we still get boners: creditable in that context
***
Leopard slugs are hermaphrodites who indulge in bondage play
They dangle from slime ropes & entwine penises & so literally swing both ways
***
The queenless ant female pulls off the ultimate dick (re)move
While they’re at it, she bites it off but leaves it in to prove her V-day love
***
Adactylidium mite females celebrate V-day while still inside mother
Then eat mama from the inside & leave, pregnant, thanks to their brother
***
Mecoptera studs give gals V-day gifts: bugs that they have caught
Less alpha males pretend to be girls, take the bugs & go off to court
***
The seahorse male has a cool Valentine gift: an egg pouch on his tummy
Bae drops her eggs in the pouch; he fertilises 'em & then he's mummy
***
Giraffes have something in common with POTUS number 45
Males taste their ladies' urine as part of the courtship jive
***
Fruit bat males have sex lives worthy of all male aspiration
While they're doing it the female encourages them with oral… affirmation
***
Indian flying fox females get better Valentines than most other bats
The males provide lingual stimulation; they clearly know where it's at
***
Hippopotamus Valentine's Day involves flying excrement
It may not work for you, good thing, 'cause for them it's signalling intent
***
In California winters, garter snakes come out to play one and all
They tend to do in rather large groups; it's called a mating ball
***
North Atlantic Right Whale threesomes are not easy to emulate
They can do simultaneous intromission; no one gets left… out, mate
***
California beaches, they say, are known for mating games
But the orgies of the grunion put all the others to shame
***
Lady Australian buprestid beetles are the colour of bottles of beer
Males have been seen…hitting bottles(like good Aussies they say Cheers!)
***
Of course sloths are slow, and on Valentine's day they… linger
But they do it dangling from branches; they're the ultimate swingers
***
Fig wasps are born in figs & their partners are their nestlings
You might say their Valentines are always quite incesting
***
When sharks make out, serious biting is part of the ritual
So when a shark chomps into you, just say the feeling's not mutual
The male has just 562, & 4 of those are gonopods, which is V-day nifty
***
Arthropod aedeagi deliver spermatophores (capsules of spermatozoa)
Some leave 'em lying round on the ground (most only give them to their lovers)
***
Some arthropods also give their partners gifts of spermatophylax
Which are balls of nutrients for the kiddies; a better gift than lilacs
***
Most male spiders are smaller than females & a date could be a bad fate
So they detach their pedipalps & scarper & it continues to ejaculate
***
Daddy-longlegs couples mate & then mum delivers fertilised eggs
Dad Daddy guards ’em, & doesn’t let mum Daddy eat ’em, not even if she begs
***
The blanket octopus male doesn’t get between the sheets with his lover
He detaches a… load-bearing arm and leaves it with her to… deliver
***
Hyena females have pseudopenises: clitorises which protrude 7 inches
For males this means they have to practise to get it in in the clinches
***
Many placental mammals’ baculums & baubellums aid 'em when having sex
Not humans alas, but we still get boners: creditable in that context
***
Leopard slugs are hermaphrodites who indulge in bondage play
They dangle from slime ropes & entwine penises & so literally swing both ways
***
The queenless ant female pulls off the ultimate dick (re)move
While they’re at it, she bites it off but leaves it in to prove her V-day love
***
Adactylidium mite females celebrate V-day while still inside mother
Then eat mama from the inside & leave, pregnant, thanks to their brother
***
Mecoptera studs give gals V-day gifts: bugs that they have caught
Less alpha males pretend to be girls, take the bugs & go off to court
***
The seahorse male has a cool Valentine gift: an egg pouch on his tummy
Bae drops her eggs in the pouch; he fertilises 'em & then he's mummy
***
Giraffes have something in common with POTUS number 45
Males taste their ladies' urine as part of the courtship jive
***
Fruit bat males have sex lives worthy of all male aspiration
While they're doing it the female encourages them with oral… affirmation
***
Indian flying fox females get better Valentines than most other bats
The males provide lingual stimulation; they clearly know where it's at
***
Hippopotamus Valentine's Day involves flying excrement
It may not work for you, good thing, 'cause for them it's signalling intent
***
In California winters, garter snakes come out to play one and all
They tend to do in rather large groups; it's called a mating ball
***
North Atlantic Right Whale threesomes are not easy to emulate
They can do simultaneous intromission; no one gets left… out, mate
***
California beaches, they say, are known for mating games
But the orgies of the grunion put all the others to shame
***
Lady Australian buprestid beetles are the colour of bottles of beer
Males have been seen…hitting bottles(like good Aussies they say Cheers!)
***
Of course sloths are slow, and on Valentine's day they… linger
But they do it dangling from branches; they're the ultimate swingers
***
Fig wasps are born in figs & their partners are their nestlings
You might say their Valentines are always quite incesting
***
When sharks make out, serious biting is part of the ritual
So when a shark chomps into you, just say the feeling's not mutual
Tuesday, 22 November 2016
How many queues must a man wait in?
At a concert on Saturday, our Prime Minister quoted words of protest written by a certain Robert Zimmerman back in 1963. That reminded us of this more contemporary work by Balbir ‘Bobby’ Dhillon, who owns Noble Lorry 8 Pvt. Ltd. (‘We have no brunches’) and writes a bit while he’s waiting in line to withdraw cash to pay his drivers.
Come gather ’round people
It’s not time to roam
While you whined the lines
Around you have grown
Just accept it that soon
You’ll be tir’d to the bone
If your savin’s to you are worth drawin’
Then you better start queuin’ or you’ll be all alone
For the notes they are a-changin’
Pressti …wallas and critics
Who editorialise often
Do keep your eyes wide
We’ll change the rules again
So don’t speak at all
You can’t counter my spin
Here’s one more RBI notification!
Don’t try to figure it, you just can’t win
Hah! The notes they are a-changin’
You UPA Congressis
Don’t get it all
I’ll use your best schemes
And rename them all
I’m sure it must hurt
To hear all my trolls
Being ‘offended’ and ‘hurt’ and ‘outragin’’
And while you’re trying to figure it all
The notes I will be a-changin’
Grand-mothers and -fathers
A separate queue for you
And ’cause I sympathise
Take Saturday too
Your sons and your daughters
They will have to stand
Out on the road slowly agin’
Yes it’s your money, yes I understand
But the notes they are a-changin’
The line it is long
Do have a blast
The slow queue now
Will never be fast
You resent me now
I am aghast
Is your nationalism fadin’?
Alas your cash stash is now ballast
’Cause the notes they are a-changin’
Come gather ’round people
It’s not time to roam
While you whined the lines
Around you have grown
Just accept it that soon
You’ll be tir’d to the bone
If your savin’s to you are worth drawin’
Then you better start queuin’ or you’ll be all alone
For the notes they are a-changin’
Pressti …wallas and critics
Who editorialise often
Do keep your eyes wide
We’ll change the rules again
So don’t speak at all
You can’t counter my spin
Here’s one more RBI notification!
Don’t try to figure it, you just can’t win
Hah! The notes they are a-changin’
You UPA Congressis
Don’t get it all
I’ll use your best schemes
And rename them all
I’m sure it must hurt
To hear all my trolls
Being ‘offended’ and ‘hurt’ and ‘outragin’’
And while you’re trying to figure it all
The notes I will be a-changin’
Grand-mothers and -fathers
A separate queue for you
And ’cause I sympathise
Take Saturday too
Your sons and your daughters
They will have to stand
Out on the road slowly agin’
Yes it’s your money, yes I understand
But the notes they are a-changin’
The line it is long
Do have a blast
The slow queue now
Will never be fast
You resent me now
I am aghast
Is your nationalism fadin’?
Alas your cash stash is now ballast
’Cause the notes they are a-changin’
Sunday, 20 November 2016
One Art
(May the shade of Elizabeth Bishop forgive me)
Mitron, brownnosing isn’t hard to master;
just say (and again) how good was the intent,
never mind that it looks like a disaster.
Praise something every day. And drink gaumutra.
Hours in queues are never badly spent;
patriots never doubt the lord and master.
Then practice cleaning farther. Like the taste, eh?
Remember the soldiers freezing in their tents!
Say that to all who call this a disaster.
Keep Mother India swachch. Don’t think! Sweep faster!
So much easier than teaching civic sense;
yes, this art is a fine and good one master.
How can you doubt him? Traitor, go eat pasta!
To Italy — no, Pakistan — you’ll be sent
for implying that this is a disaster.
No, don’t think of the economy (we aren’t)
and don’t think of your money that you can’t spend.
Mitron, brownnosing isn’t hard to master;
Just remember (Write it!) it’s no disaster.
Mitron, brownnosing isn’t hard to master;
just say (and again) how good was the intent,
never mind that it looks like a disaster.
Praise something every day. And drink gaumutra.
Hours in queues are never badly spent;
patriots never doubt the lord and master.
Then practice cleaning farther. Like the taste, eh?
Remember the soldiers freezing in their tents!
Say that to all who call this a disaster.
Keep Mother India swachch. Don’t think! Sweep faster!
So much easier than teaching civic sense;
yes, this art is a fine and good one master.
How can you doubt him? Traitor, go eat pasta!
To Italy — no, Pakistan — you’ll be sent
for implying that this is a disaster.
No, don’t think of the economy (we aren’t)
and don’t think of your money that you can’t spend.
Mitron, brownnosing isn’t hard to master;
Just remember (Write it!) it’s no disaster.
Monday, 25 July 2016
Mother Goose for start-ups
The numbers link to tweets where I originally posted these.
1.
Jack & Jill
Went up the hill
To fill their Series A
Jack came down
With 100 mill
& Jill got jack.
Y'know, woman entrepreneur.
2.
Twinkle, twinkle, start-up star,
O M G, you've come so far!
You got valuations sky-high,
But boss, where's the R O I?
3.
Humpty Dumpty built a mall
Humpty had discounts for 1 & all
All of the VCs gave him a call
& Humpty exited & had a ball
4.
Little Ms Muffet
Went to the buffet
To get herself some food
This kept her in office
She don't know what time off is
Start-up culture, dude
5.
Rock-a-bye baby: new biz opp
When the wind blows, sales will rock
The bubble'll pop, values'll fall
The investor's problem, not mine at all
6.
This little app's on the market
This little app's made a crore
The little app finds roast beef
So it only works in Bangalore
7.
I'm from IIM-B
Short & stout
Got a Twitter handle
Gimme a shout
That's my Uber calling
Gotta get out
VCs want to buy me out!
8.
Mary had a little lamb
(Her chef was cordon bleu)
Then bought a golden Mercedes Benz
Successful I P O!
9.
Here we go round the mulberry bush
The mulberry bush
The mulberry bush
Here we go round the mulberry bush
Investor meeting this morning
10.
Baba BlackWolf
Have you any wool?
Haanji haanji
Round 3's full
Some for the VC's eyes
Some for the dames
Some for carpet
In my private plane
11.
There was a crooked man
and he went a crooked mile
He found a crooked sixpence
And said, Woohoo! Capital!
12.
Oranges and lemons
Sold for a penny
For the e-grocers
Are so many
The grass is greener
On the e-com side
No it's not career
Suicide
13.
There was an old woman
Who lived in a shoe
Because she thought bootstrapping
Was the only thing to do
14.
Oh, The grand old Duke of York
He had ten thousand men
He marched them up to the top of the hill
And changed his business plan
15.
See, saw, Marjorie Daw
We shall have a new master
They booted out the founder CEO
Because he couldn't make profits faster
16.
CEO CEO
Where have you been?
I've been to London
To pitch to the Queen
CEO CEO
How did you fare?
She got her grandson
To throw me downstairs
17.
Jack be nimble
Jack you prick
Jack must pivot
Really quick
You aimed high
But you jumped low
And now the investors
Want profits to show
18.
Pat-a-cake pat-a-cake
Programmer man
Make me an app
As fast as you can
Code it & load it
And mark it ™
Put it in the AppStore
By 10 pm
19.
Little Bo Peep has lost her peeps
& can't tell where to hire more
She offered SOPs & late-night drops
But they all want to work offshore
20.
Little Boy Blue, pick up the phone
Clients are mad, systems are down
Where is the boy who fixes the F-ups?
In a cafe, pitching his start-up
21.
Little Jack Horner
Sat in the corner
Coding his new API
"It's Uber for [X]
It's better than sex..
..I think. Wouldn't know, would I?
22.
Two co-founders
Sitting on a wall
One named Peter
One named Paul
Fly away Peter
Fly away Paul
Professional managers
Are taking all the calls
23.
@ashonindia had a firm
A I, A I, Yo
Her software passed the Turing Test
A I, A I, Yo
With a Round 1 here & a Round 2 there
When's the IPO?
24.
Solomon Gru
Idea: Mon
Biz plan: Tue
Angel funds: Wed
Launch: Thu
Bills: Fri
Bankrupt: Sat
Jobhunt: Sun
This is the end Of Solomon Gru
25.
Bold Mama Hubbard
Went to the Board
To fetch the founders a bonus
But when she got there
The board was like "Meh"
& so the founders had none
26.
One, two
An idea! New!
Three four
Knock at PE doors
Five, six
Bloody dicks
Seven, eight
Harness your hate
Nine, ten
Start again
27.
Hickory dickory dock
Overvalued stock
The P:E ratio's 10:1
Where T F is my gun?
Hockery dorkery dick
Sunday, 14 February 2016
(P)ink-stained wretches
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Sources familiar with developments say
I could get exclusive with you
***
How do I love thee?
...
Let me file a listicle
That counts the ways
***
Deadlines don't matter
For you I am aching
If you don't go out with me
My heart will be #Breaking
***
I'm nuts about you
I have to confess, love
No point denying it
They all know at Press Club
***
Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
The Desk says no, that's way to clichéd
***
Hey I just met you
And this is crazy
But I have to file by 10pm
Or my boss will slay me
***
I love you more
Than press releases
You make me want
To stop the presses
***
I've searched north and south
and east and west
You're one I want
To be my conflict of interest
***
You say ink-stained wretches
Have no sense of romance
But I love you more
Than my travel allowance
***
Do not doubt my love for you
'Tis more powerful than wild horses
I have confirmation
From two independent sources
***
O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou a flack?
Quit that PR agency or if you won't. I'l quit being a hack
***
If you were any sweeter, your last name would be fondant
That's why I want to be your principal correspondent
***
I'll send you all my love by special cargo
And you can keep it in permanent embargo
#PRValentines
***
You and I, darling, have a special accord
Don't you think it's time we went off the record?
***
Some like Barkha & some like Rajdeep
I'm glad I like them both but, peeps,
I wonder if this channel switching
Is really all that bitching
Or are greater TRPs a sign?
Should I watch Newshour at nine?
Should I choose between anchor & anchor?
Or like the nation, watch that wanker?
***
Closing time in the newsroom
& I have an idea, my sweet
The paper will soon be put to bed
We should follow toute suite
***
Roses are red, pink, white, yellow, even black.. Sorry, where was I?
#ScienceWriterEdition
***
Attn: Desk,
Did I make you wait?
I'm so sorry my dears.
This Valentine ain't late,
It's early for next year.
Violets are blue
Sources familiar with developments say
I could get exclusive with you
***
How do I love thee?
...
Let me file a listicle
That counts the ways
***
Deadlines don't matter
For you I am aching
If you don't go out with me
My heart will be #Breaking
***
I'm nuts about you
I have to confess, love
No point denying it
They all know at Press Club
***
Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
The Desk says no, that's way to clichéd
***
Hey I just met you
And this is crazy
But I have to file by 10pm
Or my boss will slay me
***
I love you more
Than press releases
You make me want
To stop the presses
***
I've searched north and south
and east and west
You're one I want
To be my conflict of interest
***
You say ink-stained wretches
Have no sense of romance
But I love you more
Than my travel allowance
***
Do not doubt my love for you
'Tis more powerful than wild horses
I have confirmation
From two independent sources
***
O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou a flack?
Quit that PR agency or if you won't. I'l quit being a hack
***
If you were any sweeter, your last name would be fondant
That's why I want to be your principal correspondent
***
I'll send you all my love by special cargo
And you can keep it in permanent embargo
#PRValentines
***
You and I, darling, have a special accord
Don't you think it's time we went off the record?
***
Some like Barkha & some like Rajdeep
I'm glad I like them both but, peeps,
I wonder if this channel switching
Is really all that bitching
Or are greater TRPs a sign?
Should I watch Newshour at nine?
Should I choose between anchor & anchor?
Or like the nation, watch that wanker?
***
Closing time in the newsroom
& I have an idea, my sweet
The paper will soon be put to bed
We should follow toute suite
***
Roses are red, pink, white, yellow, even black.. Sorry, where was I?
#ScienceWriterEdition
***
Attn: Desk,
Did I make you wait?
I'm so sorry my dears.
This Valentine ain't late,
It's early for next year.
More offspring of Animal Passions
Nudibranchs do autotomy which is really kinda neat
Post-Valentine's, they bobbitise themselves then grow new ones (& repeat)
***
Some fish are sequential hermaphrodites; i.e., they switch sex
So V-day can give new meaning to 'vice versa' and 'doing the ex'
***
But behold the Bombay Night Frog: they do it differently
He, er, gets onto her back, then relies on gravity
Post-Valentine's, they bobbitise themselves then grow new ones (& repeat)
***
Some fish are sequential hermaphrodites; i.e., they switch sex
So V-day can give new meaning to 'vice versa' and 'doing the ex'
***
But behold the Bombay Night Frog: they do it differently
He, er, gets onto her back, then relies on gravity
Saturday, 14 February 2015
Even More Animal Passions
On V-Day, one male honeybee gets to mate, but at a sad price
Ejaculation ejects sperm. And genitals, which can't bee nice
***
Echidna males have something that would make you scratch your forehead
The male valentine equipment comes with, you guessed it, four heads
***
With anglerfish, the love-bite is for keeps, and that's no metaphor
The male literally stays attached: it's V-day for ever more
***
You think your.. Valentine is big? Mate, you're actually quite thrifty
The male barnacle has a thing that's his body length times fifty.
***
The Valentine antics of the antichinus are worthy of a talk at TED
They do nothing but bonk for weeks until the males go blind & drop dead
***
Banana slugs are hermaphrodites, so each one can do & be done
But occasional apophallation can end the Valentine's fun of one
***
Squid celebrate Valentine's day at arm's length, you could say
The male throws sperm packets, the female caches them away
***
Dolphins don't have hands or feet, they're not 'manipulative'
But their prehensile male organs make V-day, um, creative
***
According to @realscientists, nurse sharks are prone to hi-jinks
Their Valentine celebrations are a physical form of group-think
***
Feline males have keratin barbs on their Valentine equipment
Withdrawal is painful, so females are quite vocal post delivery of shipment
***
The water boatman's Valentine song's sung in a way that's all its own
It vibrates its penis against its abs, the loudest animal sound known
(in proportion to the critter's size)
***
Harpactea sadistica ladies have no vagina-like place for.. deposits
So the gent drills one in her body & opens his Valentine faucet
***
Turkeys meant for eating are for enormous breasts breeded
Which makes natural breeding tough, so artificial Valentinisation is needed
***
Flatworms are hermaphrodites, they.. come with TWO 'swords' on the tummy
They fence each other for V-day, & the loser gets to be mummy
***
Giant pandas don't seem to KNOW exactly how to get it on
So for Valentine season researchers have to show them panda porn
***
Bonobos don't fight much; they resolve conflict with sexual play
In other words, for bonobos, every day is St Valentine's day
***
Male marsupials have two-pronged penises which seems like too many for one
But the females have two vaginas, so they're ready for Valentine's fun
***
Male 'gators don't need Valentine viagra, they have permanent erections
Excessive amounts of collagen there explain the constant distension
***
Snakes & lizards have two sets of valentine tackle
But they use them one at a time, which is practical
***
Amphibian Valentine play does not involve a nexus twixt the sexes
Daddy semi-leapfrogs Mummy, and then performs amplexus
Ejaculation ejects sperm. And genitals, which can't bee nice
***
Echidna males have something that would make you scratch your forehead
The male valentine equipment comes with, you guessed it, four heads
***
With anglerfish, the love-bite is for keeps, and that's no metaphor
The male literally stays attached: it's V-day for ever more
***
You think your.. Valentine is big? Mate, you're actually quite thrifty
The male barnacle has a thing that's his body length times fifty.
***
The Valentine antics of the antichinus are worthy of a talk at TED
They do nothing but bonk for weeks until the males go blind & drop dead
***
Banana slugs are hermaphrodites, so each one can do & be done
But occasional apophallation can end the Valentine's fun of one
***
Squid celebrate Valentine's day at arm's length, you could say
The male throws sperm packets, the female caches them away
***
Dolphins don't have hands or feet, they're not 'manipulative'
But their prehensile male organs make V-day, um, creative
***
According to @realscientists, nurse sharks are prone to hi-jinks
Their Valentine celebrations are a physical form of group-think
***
Feline males have keratin barbs on their Valentine equipment
Withdrawal is painful, so females are quite vocal post delivery of shipment
***
The water boatman's Valentine song's sung in a way that's all its own
It vibrates its penis against its abs, the loudest animal sound known
(in proportion to the critter's size)
***
Harpactea sadistica ladies have no vagina-like place for.. deposits
So the gent drills one in her body & opens his Valentine faucet
***
Turkeys meant for eating are for enormous breasts breeded
Which makes natural breeding tough, so artificial Valentinisation is needed
***
Flatworms are hermaphrodites, they.. come with TWO 'swords' on the tummy
They fence each other for V-day, & the loser gets to be mummy
***
Giant pandas don't seem to KNOW exactly how to get it on
So for Valentine season researchers have to show them panda porn
***
Bonobos don't fight much; they resolve conflict with sexual play
In other words, for bonobos, every day is St Valentine's day
***
Male marsupials have two-pronged penises which seems like too many for one
But the females have two vaginas, so they're ready for Valentine's fun
***
Male 'gators don't need Valentine viagra, they have permanent erections
Excessive amounts of collagen there explain the constant distension
***
Snakes & lizards have two sets of valentine tackle
But they use them one at a time, which is practical
***
Amphibian Valentine play does not involve a nexus twixt the sexes
Daddy semi-leapfrogs Mummy, and then performs amplexus
Saturday, 27 September 2014
Disproportionate
Alas, I have been unfortunate
None of my assets are disproportionate
'Cept my belly
Which, sigh, is jelly
Comes from not watching whatchuate
Version 2, on, er, mature reflection
Alas, I have been unfortunate
None of my assets are disproportionate
'Cept my belly
Which—sigh—is jelly
Because dessert is so importunate
Got no disproportionate assets
Except—to be honest—my ass; it's
Larger than yours is
By several sizes
It will stay one of my notable facets
Tuesday, 29 July 2014
"You'll never work in advertising again, Griffin"
1.
I once made a living writing ads
As livings go it wasn't half-bad
'Cept for the suits
Who to tell you the truth
Often severely lacked gonads
2.
Suits & creative: always antagonistic
"You guys are SO unrealistic!"
That's MBAese;
What it really means
Is "Creative are all bloody pricks"
3.
Account Planning is (pause to wink)
A serious ad agency funtcionk
They do the stuff
That wasn't happening enough
I.e., occasionally think
4.
Art directors are easy to find:
Their shoes are always well shined
Even if the work
Shows no signs of quirk
The attire? ALWAYS well designed
5.
Ad film makers are (if 1 may bitch)
Always very very rich
Their lives are quite flash
They make lots of cash
I hope their undergarments itch
6.
Media planning is a serious chore
Numbers & spreadsheets galore
Planners get paid
Though not often laid
'Cause sleeping with them is a snore
7.
Copywriters wear capes & masks
They do all the crucial tasks
Save the planet?
"I'm on it!"
(Why yes, I wrote copy; why'd you ask?)
8.
Clients hire MarComm double grads
Give 'em big cars & luxury pads
To write strat docs
Think out-of-the-box
But their mummies approve the ads
[The numbers link to the original Tweets that this post collects.]
I once made a living writing ads
As livings go it wasn't half-bad
'Cept for the suits
Who to tell you the truth
Often severely lacked gonads
2.
Suits & creative: always antagonistic
"You guys are SO unrealistic!"
That's MBAese;
What it really means
Is "Creative are all bloody pricks"
3.
Account Planning is (pause to wink)
A serious ad agency funtcionk
They do the stuff
That wasn't happening enough
I.e., occasionally think
4.
Art directors are easy to find:
Their shoes are always well shined
Even if the work
Shows no signs of quirk
The attire? ALWAYS well designed
5.
Ad film makers are (if 1 may bitch)
Always very very rich
Their lives are quite flash
They make lots of cash
I hope their undergarments itch
6.
Media planning is a serious chore
Numbers & spreadsheets galore
Planners get paid
Though not often laid
'Cause sleeping with them is a snore
7.
Copywriters wear capes & masks
They do all the crucial tasks
Save the planet?
"I'm on it!"
(Why yes, I wrote copy; why'd you ask?)
8.
Clients hire MarComm double grads
Give 'em big cars & luxury pads
To write strat docs
Think out-of-the-box
But their mummies approve the ads
[The numbers link to the original Tweets that this post collects.]
Thursday, 17 July 2014
Wee, the Media
1.
He wanted to make a big stink
About a politico-big biz link
His editor liked it
But the owner spiked it
And that's why journalists drink
2.
At 9 pee em, with elation
We wait for today's sensation
We watch as he shouts
Waggles his fingers about
Heck, you wanted to know, O nation!
3.
A young one with visions of glory
Filed an investigative story
"Let truth prevail!
Evil must quail!"
The editor laughed till he had a coronary
4.
Oh you journalist chaps
With your idealistic crap.
The real world-changers
Aren't facing danger;
They're working with Team Apple Maps
5.
The first draft of history, they said
As they put the paper to bed
Then polished their CVs
& sent feelers to TV
If only the world still read
6.
The web is killing us, they say
Good content, but no one will pay
They mutter & splutter
Foul oaths they utter
Then they go surf Pirate Bay
7.
On Twitter, they mourn the loss
Of journalism's ethos
"You no longer aspire
To truths that are higher"
Then they go back to watching BigBoss
8.
His friends were worried: "I say,
Don't say that in public! No way"
His lips he pursed
As he wrote another verse
Nobody reads poetry anyway
9.
In newsrooms home & away
One topic du jour holds sway
Not Ukraine or Gaza
It's something more taaza:
Which editor quit today?
10.
NRI columnists are upset
They praised Modi skyhigh & yet
They're waiting & waiting
Pupils dilating
Waaah! No call to join his cabinet
11.
When Big Media barons meet
Do they exchange fact sheets
Of mockers & blighters
& joke-making writers?
I hope they're not reading this Tweet
12.
The Emergency: you may recall
Told to bend, they crawl.
Now we'll do better, yes?
Politician can't fetter us!
'Cause big biz has us by the..
[The numbers link to the original Tweets that this post collects.]
He wanted to make a big stink
About a politico-big biz link
His editor liked it
But the owner spiked it
And that's why journalists drink
2.
At 9 pee em, with elation
We wait for today's sensation
We watch as he shouts
Waggles his fingers about
Heck, you wanted to know, O nation!
3.
A young one with visions of glory
Filed an investigative story
"Let truth prevail!
Evil must quail!"
The editor laughed till he had a coronary
4.
Oh you journalist chaps
With your idealistic crap.
The real world-changers
Aren't facing danger;
They're working with Team Apple Maps
5.
The first draft of history, they said
As they put the paper to bed
Then polished their CVs
& sent feelers to TV
If only the world still read
6.
The web is killing us, they say
Good content, but no one will pay
They mutter & splutter
Foul oaths they utter
Then they go surf Pirate Bay
7.
On Twitter, they mourn the loss
Of journalism's ethos
"You no longer aspire
To truths that are higher"
Then they go back to watching BigBoss
8.
His friends were worried: "I say,
Don't say that in public! No way"
His lips he pursed
As he wrote another verse
Nobody reads poetry anyway
9.
In newsrooms home & away
One topic du jour holds sway
Not Ukraine or Gaza
It's something more taaza:
Which editor quit today?
10.
NRI columnists are upset
They praised Modi skyhigh & yet
They're waiting & waiting
Pupils dilating
Waaah! No call to join his cabinet
11.
When Big Media barons meet
Do they exchange fact sheets
Of mockers & blighters
& joke-making writers?
I hope they're not reading this Tweet
12.
The Emergency: you may recall
Told to bend, they crawl.
Now we'll do better, yes?
Politician can't fetter us!
'Cause big biz has us by the..
[The numbers link to the original Tweets that this post collects.]
Friday, 14 February 2014
More Animal Passions
A prehensile whatsit gives the elephant motor control.
When his Valentine expresses delight, he smirks, ‘that’s how I roll!’
…
Ants are almost all female,& only the Queen gets to hump
Her Valentines die after they mate mid-air,& fall down with a thump
…
Male ducks have spiral thingies, which are with speed imbued.
On Valentine's Day those quackers redefine 'corkscrewed.'
When his Valentine expresses delight, he smirks, ‘that’s how I roll!’
…
Ants are almost all female,& only the Queen gets to hump
Her Valentines die after they mate mid-air,& fall down with a thump
…
Male ducks have spiral thingies, which are with speed imbued.
On Valentine's Day those quackers redefine 'corkscrewed.'
Monday, 8 June 2009
No more worries about inflation,
discrimination, state of the nation
No more depression or elation
Now that I'm just an eructation
This was in response to Amit Varma, who in response to my Facebook status message (which was "Peter Griffin can feel some nonsense rhyme coming on."), commented:
More from Facebook, where, in addition to Mr Varma, Mr Basu chips in, as does Anupama Bijur:
discrimination, state of the nation
No more depression or elation
Now that I'm just an eructation
This was in response to Amit Varma, who in response to my Facebook status message (which was "Peter Griffin can feel some nonsense rhyme coming on."), commented:
Monster called up Mommy Dear
'Mommy, Mommy, hunger's here
But since you haven't sent my tiffin
I think I'll just eat Peter Griffin.'
More from Facebook, where, in addition to Mr Varma, Mr Basu chips in, as does Anupama Bijur:
who is stirring stormclouds rowdy?
who meets angels and says howdy?
who makes squiffy skuas squelch?
Peter Griffin, zen-like belch
who meets angels and says howdy?
who makes squiffy skuas squelch?
Peter Griffin, zen-like belch
bless you, peter und samit.
Amit's monster would've been a cow
And we all know, from science class, how
These ruminants regurgitate their chow
Ozone b 'ware! I'm the "me" in "methane" now
And we all know, from science class, how
These ruminants regurgitate their chow
Ozone b 'ware! I'm the "me" in "methane" now
Sure, a burp's a noxious gas
But worse things could have come to pass
One could have been mere bio-mass
Expelled with force from the cow's, um, other end.
But worse things could have come to pass
One could have been mere bio-mass
Expelled with force from the cow's, um, other end.
Peter G, most kind and gracious
Now turned into products gaseous!
Amit Varma! Blackguard! Thief!
With your pets we have a beef.
Now turned into products gaseous!
Amit Varma! Blackguard! Thief!
With your pets we have a beef.
Griffin, Basu and Varma on Facebook
Together a bio-patent took,
Gobar, biomass or hot air,
Further verses will share.
Together a bio-patent took,
Gobar, biomass or hot air,
Further verses will share.
Samit, Peter, do not jump
To conclusions with a bump
The Monster in question is not bovine
And yes, Samit, Peter's quite divine.
To conclusions with a bump
The Monster in question is not bovine
And yes, Samit, Peter's quite divine.
Ok, I'll tell you another fable
Monster sat down at the table
Shouted, "Mommy, just for Amit
I think I'll also consume Samit."
Monster sat down at the table
Shouted, "Mommy, just for Amit
I think I'll also consume Samit."
The Monster did not cherry pick
Consumed Pete, Amit and Samit
And down in his intestine,
They continued to talk in rhyme.
Consumed Pete, Amit and Samit
And down in his intestine,
They continued to talk in rhyme.
Alas! This monster du jour
Observes the rhyming Ms Bijur,
Consigns her to chambers gastric
And then sights the Duck Fantastic
I say, 'hey, you, monster, look,... Read more
Want to star in my next book?'
While the monster grimly ponders,
I strike! With the Beak of Wonders!
Spotting, on the corpse's paunch-o
The inscription 'I am Sancho'
I realize, as I suspected,
That fiend Varma stands detected!
Soon as I, now Case Inspector,
Construct my Zig Ressurector,
Spend all monies in my wallet
To turn Zig from gas to solid,
We'll be back, a duo most deadly
Fight this Varma/Monster medley,
And then say, 'Hey! Ma Monster! Dammit!
We fed your son your friend Amit.'
Observes the rhyming Ms Bijur,
Consigns her to chambers gastric
And then sights the Duck Fantastic
I say, 'hey, you, monster, look,... Read more
Want to star in my next book?'
While the monster grimly ponders,
I strike! With the Beak of Wonders!
Spotting, on the corpse's paunch-o
The inscription 'I am Sancho'
I realize, as I suspected,
That fiend Varma stands detected!
Soon as I, now Case Inspector,
Construct my Zig Ressurector,
Spend all monies in my wallet
To turn Zig from gas to solid,
We'll be back, a duo most deadly
Fight this Varma/Monster medley,
And then say, 'Hey! Ma Monster! Dammit!
We fed your son your friend Amit.'
Samit, I like your imagination
I'm sure it'll help my friend's digestion
The Monster really liked young Peter
(Especially his sense of meter)
But still, the lad caused him some heartburn... Read more
All night it was turn, and twist, and turn
But now he'll have you with cold milk
And other poets of your ilk
Such as Ms Bijur (pleased to meet you)
Yes, sweet lady, you'll be eaten too.
I'm sure it'll help my friend's digestion
The Monster really liked young Peter
(Especially his sense of meter)
But still, the lad caused him some heartburn... Read more
All night it was turn, and twist, and turn
But now he'll have you with cold milk
And other poets of your ilk
Such as Ms Bijur (pleased to meet you)
Yes, sweet lady, you'll be eaten too.
The beast stirred awake on Sunday
Bloated from his feast yesterday
And seriously pondered Samit’s offer
To star in his next book on Monsters.
... Read more
Thought he, `Three-poets-and-the-lady mix,
Not as good as my own iambic.
Besides the courses came in the wrong order
Where was the hors d’oeuvre?’
`Next time, come one at a time,
Take a token, stand in line
We’ll have to pair you with a wine,
I stand on ceremony when I dine.’
`Amit would’ve worked with guacamole
Samit would’ve done instead of poulet
Peter is as good a sorbet
You see, I’m quite the gourmet.’
So Samit, I wish to decline
The offer to star in your set of rhymes
I’m ready for a food show, I am,
With none other than Anthony Bourdain.
Bloated from his feast yesterday
And seriously pondered Samit’s offer
To star in his next book on Monsters.
... Read more
Thought he, `Three-poets-and-the-lady mix,
Not as good as my own iambic.
Besides the courses came in the wrong order
Where was the hors d’oeuvre?’
`Next time, come one at a time,
Take a token, stand in line
We’ll have to pair you with a wine,
I stand on ceremony when I dine.’
`Amit would’ve worked with guacamole
Samit would’ve done instead of poulet
Peter is as good a sorbet
You see, I’m quite the gourmet.’
So Samit, I wish to decline
The offer to star in your set of rhymes
I’m ready for a food show, I am,
With none other than Anthony Bourdain.
`Heston may have his molecular gastronomy,
I have secret recipes from my Mommy
And with Peter Griffin,
Who needs liquid nitrogen? '
I have secret recipes from my Mommy
And with Peter Griffin,
Who needs liquid nitrogen? '
Monday, 14 February 2005
Animal Passions
Alas, the hapless porcupine, his heart really bleeds, poor chap.
The quills on his fair valentine turned metaphor into a mishap.
…
Pity the poor mantis, when he’s in his Valentine’s embrace.
When the lady says "Oh God!" she’s merely saying grace.
…
On Valentine’s Day, in the water sport the hippopotami.
It’s the only way to support their entwined anatomy.
…
Snails are strange creatures; hermaphrodites every one.
On Valentine’s Day, the bastards have twice the fun.
The quills on his fair valentine turned metaphor into a mishap.
…
Pity the poor mantis, when he’s in his Valentine’s embrace.
When the lady says "Oh God!" she’s merely saying grace.
…
On Valentine’s Day, in the water sport the hippopotami.
It’s the only way to support their entwined anatomy.
…
Snails are strange creatures; hermaphrodites every one.
On Valentine’s Day, the bastards have twice the fun.
St Valentine’s day massacre
Can i use your heart for my Valentine?
(Signed) Doctor Victor Frankenstein.
…
Would you mind awfully if should poke a
Little hole in your neck and sip? - B Stoker.
…
I sit here, holding her hand in mine—
A souvenir from my chopped-up Valentine.
(Signed) Doctor Victor Frankenstein.
…
Would you mind awfully if should poke a
Little hole in your neck and sip? - B Stoker.
…
I sit here, holding her hand in mine—
A souvenir from my chopped-up Valentine.
Wednesday, 9 February 2005
St Valentine's day massacre...
...and other beastial tales. All my own work. Yenjoy.
Can i use your heart for my Valentine?
(Signed) Doctor Victor Frankenstein.
...
Would you mind awfully if should poke a
Little hole in your neck and sip? - B Stoker.
...
I sit here, holding her hand in mine -
A souvenir from my chopped-up Valentine.
...
Alas, the hapless porcupine, his heart really bleeds, poor chap.
The quills on his fair valentine turned metaphor into a mishap.
...
Pity the poor mantis, when he's in his Valentine's embrace.
When the lady says "Oh God!" she's merely saying grace.
...
On Valentine's Day, in the water sport the hippopotami.
It's the only way to support their combined anatomy.
...
Snails are strange creatures; hermaphrodites every one.
On Valentine's Day, the bastards have twice the fun
...
Got more? Come share the love in the comments section.
Can i use your heart for my Valentine?
(Signed) Doctor Victor Frankenstein.
...
Would you mind awfully if should poke a
Little hole in your neck and sip? - B Stoker.
...
I sit here, holding her hand in mine -
A souvenir from my chopped-up Valentine.
...
Alas, the hapless porcupine, his heart really bleeds, poor chap.
The quills on his fair valentine turned metaphor into a mishap.
...
Pity the poor mantis, when he's in his Valentine's embrace.
When the lady says "Oh God!" she's merely saying grace.
...
On Valentine's Day, in the water sport the hippopotami.
It's the only way to support their combined anatomy.
...
Snails are strange creatures; hermaphrodites every one.
On Valentine's Day, the bastards have twice the fun
...
Got more? Come share the love in the comments section.
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who's the ozone layer solution?
who makes regal eagles chirp?
Peter Griffin, sentient burp.