#DhanDaan♿: sharing the wealth

I’m on the advisory board of Wheels for Life which brings together those who need wheelchairs with those who’d like to gift them. I’d like to do something to raise awareness of Wheels for Life, since it’s very new. And so I made an offer on Twitter (slightly edited, merging several tweets):

Not very original, but I’m only copying myself. Some of you may remember this (also here) which I did for @prathambooks? If you promise to make a donation to Wheels for Life, I’ll write you a silly poem, just for you. Most probably a limerick.
You don’t have to donate ₹5000, the cost of one wheelchair (but it would be super if you do). There’s an option to donate via cheque/DD. Or you could choose to volunteer if you prefer: Whatever works for you. Just help me get the word out about Wheels for Life. Oh yes, they haven’t asked me to do this; they don’t even know I'm doing it. (Now they do.)
So this is my personal offer:
Tell me where you’re from, and one thing about you, and get a silly poem, In return, you support Wheels for Life in some way.
Deal?

I also emailed a number of friends, shared a set of fund-raising ideas, and asked if they’d like to offer their skills, time or goods to donors for Wheels for Life. Several people said yes. I posted their offers, and then several more people got in touch with offers. More people saw those, and… you get the picture.
It’s all getting rather complex on Twitter at the moment, so I thought I’d do one post that collected all the offers in one place for easy reference. Here they are.
But first, the terms.
If you’d like to take up any of these generous offers:
• Reply to the offer tweet.
• The person making the offer accepts.
• You make your donation at Wheels for Life’s donation page. WFL takes donations in multiples of ₹5,000. ₹5,000 is the cost of one wheelchair ♿.
• Tweet the transaction number at the person making the offer, me, & @nipunmalhotra, founder of Wheels for Life, who will confirm receipt.
• Person making the offer gets in touch with you and you get your return gift.
p.s.
• You can choose to donate but gift your offer to someone else; let the person making the offer know who it is.
Want to make an offer? I’d be happy to add a few more slots. If you’d like to join in, tweet your offer at me, or email zigzackly at gmail. Make it quantifiable and precise, please. For example: X numbers of a an item you make; Y number of hours/minutes of your time consulting on Z. And include the total number of products or slots you have the time or inclination to give away, or the time up to when your offer is open. For example, X such products or Y such slots are available, up to the end of Z. Also specify things like: any geographic geographic restrictions — only in Bombay, for example — and whether you can email or courier a product; should what you offer be picked up; whether you can provide the service over phone or web chat.
There is a version of this list on Facebook as well, here on Wheels for Life’s page (make sure to follow them there); that page also has a few Facebook-only offers by people who aren’t in Twitter. Of course you could follow the sequence on Twitter, and see the various replies as well, starting from here.

This person…	…Is offering this…	…If you give this # of ♿s	Links to tweets	Still open?
01. @surekhapillai, comunications professional and Twitter star, and also the person who persuaded me to try once more to open this up to more people.	One hour of consultation for your start-up, via phone or online call.	♿	One, two	Closed
02. @MaryTKurkalang who has worked 20 years consulting on arts/culture in India and abroad.	An offer for aspiring arts professionals. One hour, via phone or online call on how to pitch an art / culture / book project.	♿	One, two, three	Closed
03. @MaryTKurkalang again	An offer for aspiring arts professionals. One hour, via phone or online call on how to start working in the art management space.	♿	One, two, three	Closed
04. @prempanicker, writer, journalist, mentor, man-about-town	One hour to consult on anything: writing, editing, social media, messaging, in person in Bangalore or via phone or online call.	♿	One, two, three	Closed
05. @prempanicker again	Lunch or coffee with him (when you’re both in the same city) to chat about anything.	♿	One, two, three	Closed
06. @prempanicker with an offer for organisations.	Prem will do a full-day workshop on editing / communications / social media / writing for your organisation. Offer open in Bangalore, but if you pay his fare, anywhere else too.	♿ ♿ ♿ ♿ ♿ ♿ ♿ ♿ ♿ ♿ (that's 10, or ₹50,000)	One, two, three	Closed
07. @Paromadiva, who ran communications at Google India and now at SoftBank International.	One hour to consult on brand, reputation & internal/external communications, via phone or online call.	♿	One, two	Closed
08. @anaggh, who is an entrepreneur, mentor and Twitter star.	Anaggh has dreamed up #PolaroidWish, supported by @rockymindia. If you make a donation above ₹1,000, they will send you an expensive pair of sunglasses worth at least twice that. Wheels For Life is one of the four listed charities for this campaign. (Read Anaggh's post here).	♿	One, two	Closed
09. @anaggh also has a personal offer	One to two hours of brainstorming or business discussion with him. Bonus: If in Bombay (& in Bangalore in November), this discussion in person & coffee on Anaggh.	♿	One, two, three	Closed
10. @samitbasu, cult author, @pi_alize, an amazing illustrator and future superstar, and me	Samit has kindly offered to share rhyming duties with me. (Same brief: in your reply, tell us one thing about you and where you're from.) And Pi will illustrate your poem.	♿	One, two, three, four, five	Closed
11. @Meetasengupta education strategist & coach & writer	An hour of coaching time on the phone on how to Plan to be a CxO for future leaders; via phone or online call	♿	One, two	Closed
12.@Aparna executive coach & author	Corporate leadership mini coaching: three 30-minute sessions over two months; via phone or online call	♿ ♿ (that's ₹10,000)	One, two	Closed
13. @Aparna with her chef's toque on	A two-hour pahaadi cooking class plus lunch with her at her home, plus a copy of her The Sood Family Cookbook. This offer is Delhi/NCR only.	♿	One, two	Closed
14. @krishashok, musician, firestarter & brain the size of a planet	An hour's lesson on how to compose and record music digitally at home & sound semi-professional; via phone or online call. (Have you tuned in to his Soundcloud?)	♿	One, two	Closed
15. @TheRestlessQuil, editor, writer, and now artist	She will send you two watercolour paintings (see Tweets for samples)	♿	One, two	Closed
16. @NakulShenoy, magician	Meet Nakul over tea, discuss & perform magic (in Bangalore, or when you & he are in the same city)	♿	One, two	Closed
17. @NakulShenoy, magician	Get a free seat (or 50% off on two seats) in his magic workshop (Bangalore, Nov. 26-27)	♿ ♿ (that's ₹10,000)	Three	Closed
18. @atti_cus, lawyer and writer	Two hours of legal advice or discussion in Delhi (or via the phone / online call)	♿	One, two	Closed
19. @RushinaMG, culinary expert, consultant, teacher and writer	Two seats (a cooking date!) at a special @RushinaMG Eggciting Breakfasts Masterclass followed by brunch, on Nov 13 in Bombay.	♿	One, two, three	Closed
20. @madmanweb, chef, writer, singer and, now, portrait photographer	A "profile candid package" as described here	♿	One, two, three	Closed
21. @calamur, TV professional and blogger	An hour on script / concept / character development and writing structure for a show or script. Harini is offering four such (one-off) slots in November. Ideally, face-to-face in Mumbai, or if she and you are in the same city at some point, otherwise via phone or online call.	♿	One, two, three	Closed
22. @nilanjanaroy, author, columnist, critic, speaker, aspiring cat-herder, dear friend	Nilanjana will give you and three friends you choose an exclusive three- to four-hour walk through literary Delhi. She will arrange transport and meeting location plus light snacks. She is offering three such walks at mutually convenient dates over November and December.	♿	One, two, three, four	Closed
23. @devangshudatta, friend, polymath, raconteur, finance wiz and much else	DD will teach you a basic trend-following technical trading system (approx one hour) over phone or internet video call, or if you're in Delhi & he is feeling sociable, in person. To those who take this offer, DD is also offering follow-up lessons: 1 ♿ per one-hour session on trading systems / refinements.	♿ (+ ♿ per follow-up session)	One, two, three, four	Closed
24. @devangshudatta again. (Did I mention he has a ridiculously unfair amount of brains?)	This is for chess players (beginning or intermediate). A 1-hour chess basics lesson from @devangshudatta. Example subjects: - a given opening - how to mate with B+N - basic pawn endgames - basic rook endgames etc	♿	One, two, three	Closed
25. @amritat, author, TV journalist, entrepreneur, activist	A one-hour consultation on social media/media outreach/writing via phone or internet video call	♿	One, two	Closed
26. @amritat again, with her author hat on	Be immortalised! Get a starring role in a (short) short story she will write	♿ ♿ ♿ (₹15,000)	One	Closed
27. @ashoklalla, digital & marketing advisor, speaker, startup mentor	For aspiring digital marketing folks and start-ups: Get 30 minutes of digital marketing business or career advice over a phone call	♿	One, two	Closed
28. @ashoklalla again	90 minutes on digital marketing business or advice. Face to face over coffee if in Bangalore (Ashok will pay) or via phone or internet video call	♿ ♿ (₹10,000)	One	Closed
29. @mahimkajerry, award-winning author, poet, columnist	Jerry will read a manuscript you send him over email and offer an edit. He is open to do five such MSes. (One has already been claimed)	♿	One, two, three	Closed
30. @rucsb, HR leader, mentor, influencer	30 minutes to one hour of career development coaching or mentoring	♿	One, two	Closed
31. @SanSip, ad guy, book critic and blogger	A thorough assessment plus suggestions for improvement, for an unpublished novel or short story	♿	One, two	Closed
32. @GautamGhosh, HR maven & consultant, pioneering blogger	One hour of consultation on HR, social media, HR tech, personal branding	♿	One, two	Closed
33. @GautamGhosh again	An offer for organisations A one-day programme on social media for your HR team. Offer is in Bangalore, but can be made available in other places if you pay for his travel	♿ ♿ ♿ ♿ ♿ ♿ ♿ ♿ ♿ ♿ (that's 10, or ₹50,000)	One, two	Closed
34. @saffrontrail, food writer, consultant blogger	A 90-minute healthy cooking / salad-making workshop for you & one other person This offer has been taken. Nandita has time for only one slot.	♿	One, two	Closed.
35. @DeathEndsFun, old pal, author, columnist, blogger	Dilip will serenade you or a person you choose with songs on his blues harmonica. He says, "Willing to play Jaaneman Jaaneman Sounds of Silence (or any of a number of other songs)." Offer available in Mumbai, but also via Internet video if that works for you.	♿	One, two, three, four	Closed
36. @DeathEndsFun with his author hat on.	One hour with Dilip to talk about what he believes will improve your writing. In person in Bombay or via phone or Internet video call	♿	One	Closed
37. And @DeathEndsFun plays tennis	One hour of tennis with Dilip as his guest at Bandra Gymkhana (Bombay).	♿	One	Closed
38. @rochellepotkar, writer and poet	Rochelle will chat with you over coffee for one or two hours, then write you a haibun (a prose-poem) based on your life, just for you. Offer claimable in Bombay or if you and she are in the same city in the near future.	♿	One, two, three	Closed
39. @KiranManral, novelist and blogger, colleague from so long ago that both of us aren't talking about it.	For as-yet-unpublished writers, a one-hour (phone) chat on how to get your manuscript done and how to approach publishers.	♿	One, two	Closed
40. @LadyAshBorg, good buddy and very successful entrepreneur	A half-hour session on founding early-stage tech startups and/or fundraising (or related matters). In person in Chennai or if you and she are in the same city in the near future, otherwise via phone or Internet video chat. She only has the time to offer two such sessions in the immediate future, so grab them quickly. Statutory warning: do not make silly jokes about AI, or invite her to speak in a #manel.	♿	One, two, three	Closed
41. @amitvarma, writer, blogger, poker wiz and, professional limerick writer	A 16-line poem adapted to any context you want. For example, you want the poem starring you and a purple cow duelling Amit? Amit will deliver. NOTE: Amit's poems have proven hugely popular, and we don't want him to burn out, delightful as his verse is. So we're upping the ante here, and saying THREE wheelchairs for one of his poems	♿ ♿ ♿	One, two, three	Closed
42. @udhay_shankar, counsellor to start-ups and co-founder of @thegoaproject	A 30-minute session with Udhay in which he will critique your business plan and offer suggestions	♿	One, two, three	Closed
43. @krisudayasankar, author	For budding writers: critical feedback on a piece of your writing (fiction or poetry, up to one thousand words)	♿	One, two	Closed
44. @PedestrianPoet, poet	Get a critique and an edit for your poem. Harnidh is also game to take up any poetry writing challenge you throw at her, for the same kind of donation.	♿	One, two, three	Closed
45. @SumanaMukherjee, friend, editor, writer, f̶o̶o̶d̶i̶e̶ bonne vivante	A 1-month, twice-weekly supply of home-baked bread. Choice of breakfast loaves, foccacias, partybrots, etc. Can be customised. (You will have to pick up from central Bangalore)	♿	One, two, three	Closed
46. @kishiarora, pastry chef, and her mother, @mamaktreats	Two brownie cakes by Kishi, plus one Banarasi/Punjabi cooking class by her mum	♿	One, two	Closed
47. @jackerhack & @zainabbawa, old friends and founders of @hasgeek	A free ticket to any hasgeek conference of your choice. Check their site for upcming events, and tag @hasgeek to claim.	♿	One, two, three	Closed
48. Meghna Gill of @studioGDA, architect & designer. See her company's work here	A two-hour design consultancy to anyone looking for interior design inputs for any interior projects, be it residential, office, retail, etc. In Mumbai in person or elsewhere over web chat.	♿	One, two, three	Closed
49. @SimonaTerron, journalist, writer, voice-over artist, PR & media consultant	Her handmade, natural spa products -Lemongrass Refresher Fizzy Foot Soaks -Lavender for LaLaLand Massage Oil -Peppermint Perk Up Body Scrub She will fill four such orders. She will speedpost the soak or the scrub to anywhere in India. The massage oil is only for those in Mumbai.	♿	One, two, three, four, five	Closed
50. @SimonaTerron again, with her voice-over artist hat on	A silly voicemail/festive greeting message in a funny style/accent of your choice. Mail her the script (under 60 seconds) and required style/accent; she'll email you the audio track within 48 hours.	♿	One, two, three	Closed
51. @MissGoobe, a wildlife photographer,	A framed print of one of her images. Contact her to see samples of her work.	♿	One, two	Closed
52. @kritimonga, designer, artist, calligrapher, who I am a huge fan of. See her work here, and specifically her calligraphy here	An artwork of your name (or a short phrase / quote / word) in her exquisite calligraphy. Send her the word or phrase, or a Twitter-style short bio for the name, & she'll draw her interpretation in expressive lettering.	♿	One, two, three, four	Closed
53. Sudarshan Purohit @connectmc, translator, editor and critic	Sudarshan will critique/edit an up-to-5K-word fiction piece.	♿	One, two	Closed
54. @JSV76, art curator	She runs Indiancolours, which licenses the art of top Indian contemporary artists & adapts them to objects of everyday use, She will give you ₹1500 worth of products from Indiancolours	♿	One, two	Closed
55. @kkrathlete, a professional cyclist & current national MTB Champion	He will do a three-hour MTB trail ride with you, advise you on technique, and chat about becoming a champ. Bangalore area only.	♿	One, two	Closed
56. Rohit Nayak, who runs @canvasnchrome, an adventure company	A free weekend camping/trek trip, from Mumbai or Pune.	♿	One, two	Closed
57. Arundhati Ghosh​, who has worked many, many years in the arts space.	90 minutes advice on how to raise funds for an arts project. In person in Bangalore if she's feeling up to it, or via phone/web chat	♿	Fb link (scroll to the bottom of the post)	Closed
58. Rekha Nigam​, former advertising creative director, now a film writer and transcreator	Rendition (translation) of any public service message or film into Hindi or any other Indian language	♿	Fb link (scroll to the bottom of the post)	Closed
59. Rekha Nigam again	Screenwriting advice. Rekha will read your subject for a movie, and mentor you on how to structure it. She could read it through various stages and offer you advice on detangling knotty issues.	♿ ♿ (₹10,000)	Fb link (scroll to the bottom of the post)	Closed
60. @bigfatphoenix, game designer and one of the funniest writers I know.	A workshop for you or your org (in Bangalore) on one of these topics - Game design - Using a design thinking approach to solve problems - Guided tour of the history of humour in videogames	♿ ♿ ♿ ♿ ♿ (₹25,000)	One, two, three	Closed
61. @bigfatphoenix again	A one-hour phone/web chat with you on any of those topics OR An hour of feedback (phone/web) on the UX of a game or app you may be developing	♿	One, two, three	Closed
62. @indianoceanband, a band I adore	Attend an @indianoceanband practice/jam session. Delhi/NCR area only.	♿	One, two	Closed
63. @indianoceanband again	Get a personalised birthday or anniversary wish and an acoustic song sung for a specific person by the band. the song can be delivered by phone, web chat, Whatsapp. email ed video, whatever.	♿	One, two	Closed
64. And again, @indianoceanband	One or more band members MAY be able to come over to serenade someone for you. How many ♿s would you donate? Please note. Though Indian Ocean plays all around the world, they rarely have time in the cities they perform in to do something like this. So, if at all they consider doing this, the (slim) likelihood is that it will be in the Delhi/NCR area, their home base. Please check with me on this before you choose.	❓	One, two	Closed
65. @SimmSareen, food blogger Her site: bombayfoodie	A goodie bag. Choose from: - Shortbread cookies + caramel sauce + superfood granola Or Any cookies or cake	♿	One, two	Closed
66. One more from @SimmSareen	A two-hour cooking class for up to two people	♿	One	Closed
67. @neo_pac shamanic & energy healer & psychological astrologer	One-hour healing session	♿	One	Closed
68. @Mayank1029, journalist & business management graduate who specialised in financial markets & stock pricing	A one-hour session on basics of personal finance or finance	♿	One, two	Closed
69. @Mayank1029 again, this time as a poet	A poem in Hindi and English	♿	One	Closed
70. @sidin, author, journalist & blogger	Name a character in Sidin's next novel.	♿ ♿ (₹10,000)	One, two	Closed
71. @rashmid9, a business coach with over 30 years corporate/media HR experience	Two hours of HR/talent advisory &/or business coaching (in Mumbai or over Skype)	♿	One, two	Closed
72. @SK_Vaze, performance consultant	A one-hour session on personal branding / international business etiquette	♿	One, two, three	Closed
73. @SK_Vaze again: he's a former hotels professional	Talk hospitality for an hour	♿	One, two, three	Closed
74. @strayatheart, canine behaviourist	A one-hour consult + email follow up on any issue: aggression, fear, anxiety	♿	One, two	Closed
75. @jasuja, payments wiz	One hour (via phone/webchat) to discuss digital payments, digital commerce in india & trends worldwide.	♿	One, two	Closed
76. @jasuja again	Two-hour crash course (via phone/webchat) in product management for consumer payment products.	♿ ♿ (₹10,000)	One, two, three	Closed
77. @jasuja, yet again	One-hour consult on how to transition from an engineering job > finding your calling in product management Two such slots open. In person in Delhi/Mumbai or via phone/web chat.	♿	One, two, three	Closed
78. Ayesha Thomas, one of my former interns, now all grow'd up and a theatre professional	A two hour drama workshop with 6-8 kids (ages eight to fifteen), but only in January. This is only via Facebook.	♿ ♿ (₹10,000)	Fb link (scroll to the bottom of the post)	Closed
79. @chhavi, podcasting professional, who also teaches podcasting workshops	Get a free seat at two of her workshops (1. intro to podcast 2. editing workshop) or two at either one. Seat value; ₹2,500 each. The workshops are in Bombay (early December) & Delhi (January).	♿	One, two, three	Closed
80. @rashmid, former journalist and communications professional, now am arts entrepreneur	A one-hour mentoring session (phone/webchat) on working in the arts.	♿	One, two	Closed
81. @rashmid again	A a one-hour consult on your communications for your arts/culture project	♿	One, two	Closed
82. @nehadara, travel writer and editor	A critique of two 1000–1500-word travel pieces or one longer piece of up to 2500 words with detailed comments and suggestions for improvements. And a follow-up 15-minute phone chat explaining the critique and answering any questions the writer has.	♿	One, two, three	Closed
83. @Chinmayi, singer, entrepreneur, voice-over artist	First row seats to a Chinmayi concert for you &/or 2 or 3 pals. (Wherever she is performing.)	♿	One, two	Closed
84. @Chinmayi again	A personalised birthday/anniversary wish + an acoustic song sung for a specific person sung by Chinmayi	♿	One, two	Closed
85. One more from @Chinmayi	How many ♿s would you bid for a 30-minute concert, where she will sing free, but you pay her band? Offer in Chennai, or if she is performing in your city. Limited offers open. You can make your bids to Chinmayi directly or via me.	❓	One, two	Closed
86. Artist and teacher @zaiuranjit	He's donating one of his paintings, Dreamscape - II (8x10in, acrylic on canvas).	♿	One	Closed
87. @AnantRangaswami, former advertising professional, now a journalist and teacher (he lectures in colleges on advertising and marketing	Two hours of his time to talk about anything you think he can help with. He's offering one two-hour slot per week, eight such slots, one ♿ per slot	♿	One, two, three	Closed
YOU	Your offer	♿		Open

A very happy Deepavali / Diwali to you and yours.

Sell yourself (for your favourite charity or cause)

A little while ago, I did a little Twitter experiment (here's the Storify, but here's the short version): I offered to write bespoke silly poems for anyone who asked, in return for a donation to a good cause.

It occurred to me that so many people I know are in a much, much better position to offer their friends and followers something of value in return for a charitable contribution.

(I did try suggesting something like this as a #DaanUtsavAuction but that didn't take off. This later version was prompted by Surekha Pillai's suggestion.)

If you want to fund-raise or increase awareness for a cause dear to your heart, here are some suggestions. Please take them with my good wishes.

1.
a. Some of you are much better at nonsense poems than I am. Why not offer to do some for your fans?
b. Or you're a poet who wouldn't be caught dead doing nonsense verse. You could offer a short, personalised, sensible poem instead. : )

2.
Some of you are great artists, cartoonists, calligraphers (calligraphists?), photographers. Offer a personalised drawing, cartoon, caricature, a beautifully written name someone could use on their visiting cards or other stationery, a portrait photo for a donor's social media / public photo?

3.
Some of you are in the performing arts, performers or impresarios. Offer a ticket to your next show.

4.
All of you are people with valuable skills. Could you offer an hour of your time? (For example, one friend, who is a communications consultant, has offered to let me offer one hour of consultancy for start-ups on communication issues they may face.) This service could be via email, phone, Skype, whatever you're comfortable with.

5.
Are you writing a book? Offer to name a minor character after a donor.

6.
Do you make films? Maybe offer a walk-on or bystander role to a donor.

7.
If you run some kind of service that requires paid membership, you could offer a limited time membership to a donor. If you run something where people buy stuff, offer a free drink or meal, or a free WhatYouMake,

8.
You're a star, in real life as well as on social media. How about offering a selfie with you to donors? Or lunch with you, or a coffee? Or a certain number of Retweets? Or a follow on Twitter or a #FF recommendation?

9.
Want to do a dare? "I will walk around India Gate shirtless if you donate." "I will jump into a water body fully clothed and post a video of it if you donate." "I will offer Raj Thackeray a visa to Pakistan." (More suggestions?)

11.
Any other suggestions on what kind of stuff generous people like you can offer?

Please do pass this around to people you think might like to do something like this.

Thanks for reading!

Mother Goose for start-ups

The numbers link to tweets where I originally posted these.

1.
Jack & Jill
Went up the hill
To fill their Series A
Jack came down
With 100 mill
& Jill got jack.
Y'know, woman entrepreneur.

2.
Twinkle, twinkle, start-up star,
O M G, you've come so far!
You got valuations sky-high,
But boss, where's the R O I?

3.
Humpty Dumpty built a mall
Humpty had discounts for 1 & all
All of the VCs gave him a call
& Humpty exited & had a ball

4.
Little Ms Muffet
Went to the buffet
To get herself some food
This kept her in office
She don't know what time off is
Start-up culture, dude

5.
Rock-a-bye baby: new biz opp
When the wind blows, sales will rock
The bubble'll pop, values'll fall
The investor's problem, not mine at all

6.
This little app's on the market
This little app's made a crore
The little app finds roast beef
So it only works in Bangalore

7.
I'm from IIM-B
Short & stout
Got a Twitter handle
Gimme a shout
That's my Uber calling
Gotta get out
VCs want to buy me out!

8.
Mary had a little lamb
(Her chef was cordon bleu)
Then bought a golden Mercedes Benz
Successful I P O!

9.
Here we go round the mulberry bush
The mulberry bush
The mulberry bush
Here we go round the mulberry bush
Investor meeting this morning

10.
Baba BlackWolf
Have you any wool?
Haanji haanji
Round 3's full
Some for the VC's eyes
Some for the dames
Some for carpet
In my private plane

11.
There was a crooked man
and he went a crooked mile
He found a crooked sixpence
And said, Woohoo! Capital!

12.
Oranges and lemons
Sold for a penny
For the e-grocers
Are so many
The grass is greener
On the e-com side
No it's not career
Suicide

13.
There was an old woman
Who lived in a shoe
Because she thought bootstrapping
Was the only thing to do

14.
Oh, The grand old Duke of York
He had ten thousand men
He marched them up to the top of the hill
And changed his business plan

15.
See, saw, Marjorie Daw
We shall have a new master
They booted out the founder CEO
Because he couldn't make profits faster

16.
CEO CEO
Where have you been?
I've been to London
To pitch to the Queen
CEO CEO
How did you fare?
She got her grandson
To throw me downstairs

17.
Jack be nimble
Jack you prick
Jack must pivot
Really quick
You aimed high
But you jumped low
And now the investors
Want profits to show

18.
Pat-a-cake pat-a-cake
Programmer man
Make me an app
As fast as you can
Code it & load it
And mark it ™
Put it in the AppStore
By 10 pm

19.
Little Bo Peep has lost her peeps
& can't tell where to hire more
She offered SOPs & late-night drops
But they all want to work offshore

20.
Little Boy Blue, pick up the phone
Clients are mad, systems are down
Where is the boy who fixes the F-ups?
In a cafe, pitching his start-up

21.
Little Jack Horner
Sat in the corner
Coding his new API
"It's Uber for [X]
It's better than sex..
..I think. Wouldn't know, would I?

22.
Two co-founders
Sitting on a wall
One named Peter
One named Paul
Fly away Peter
Fly away Paul
Professional managers
Are taking all the calls

23.
@ashonindia had a firm
A I, A I, Yo
Her software passed the Turing Test
A I, A I, Yo
With a Round 1 here & a Round 2 there
When's the IPO?

24.
Solomon Gru
Idea: Mon
Biz plan: Tue
Angel funds: Wed
Launch: Thu
Bills: Fri
Bankrupt: Sat
Jobhunt: Sun
This is the end Of Solomon Gru

25.
Bold Mama Hubbard
Went to the Board
To fetch the founders a bonus
But when she got there
The board was like "Meh"
& so the founders had none

26.
One, two
An idea! New!
Three four
Knock at PE doors
Five, six
Bloody dicks
Seven, eight
Harness your hate
Nine, ten
Start again

27.
Hickory dickory dock
Overvalued stock
The P:E ratio's 10:1
Where T F is my gun?
Hockery dorkery dick

"You'll never work in advertising again, Griffin"

1.
I once made a living writing ads
As livings go it wasn't half-bad
'Cept for the suits
Who to tell you the truth
Often severely lacked gonads

2.
Suits & creative: always antagonistic
"You guys are SO unrealistic!"
That's MBAese;
What it really means
Is "Creative are all bloody pricks"

3.
Account Planning is (pause to wink)
A serious ad agency funtcionk
They do the stuff
That wasn't happening enough
I.e., occasionally think

4.
Art directors are easy to find:
Their shoes are always well shined
Even if the work
Shows no signs of quirk
The attire? ALWAYS well designed

5.
Ad film makers are (if 1 may bitch)
Always very very rich
Their lives are quite flash
They make lots of cash
I hope their undergarments itch

6.
Media planning is a serious chore
Numbers & spreadsheets galore
Planners get paid
Though not often laid
'Cause sleeping with them is a snore

7.
Copywriters wear capes & masks
They do all the crucial tasks
Save the planet?
"I'm on it!"
(Why yes, I wrote copy; why'd you ask?)

8.
Clients hire MarComm double grads
Give 'em big cars & luxury pads
To write strat docs
Think out-of-the-box
But their mummies approve the ads

[The numbers link to the original Tweets that this post collects.]

Wee, the Media

1.
He wanted to make a big stink
About a politico-big biz link
His editor liked it
But the owner spiked it
And that's why journalists drink

2.
At 9 pee em, with elation
We wait for today's sensation
We watch as he shouts
Waggles his fingers about
Heck, you wanted to know, O nation!

3.
A young one with visions of glory
Filed an investigative story
"Let truth prevail!
Evil must quail!"
The editor laughed till he had a coronary

4.
Oh you journalist chaps
With your idealistic crap.
The real world-changers
Aren't facing danger;
They're working with Team Apple Maps

5.
The first draft of history, they said
As they put the paper to bed
Then polished their CVs
& sent feelers to TV
If only the world still read

6.
The web is killing us, they say
Good content, but no one will pay
They mutter & splutter
Foul oaths they utter
Then they go surf Pirate Bay

7.
On Twitter, they mourn the loss
Of journalism's ethos
"You no longer aspire
To truths that are higher"
Then they go back to watching BigBoss

8.
His friends were worried: "I say,
Don't say that in public! No way"
His lips he pursed
As he wrote another verse
Nobody reads poetry anyway

9.
In newsrooms home & away
One topic du jour holds sway
Not Ukraine or Gaza
It's something more taaza:
Which editor quit today?

10.
NRI columnists are upset
They praised Modi skyhigh & yet
They're waiting & waiting
Pupils dilating
Waaah! No call to join his cabinet

11.
When Big Media barons meet
Do they exchange fact sheets
Of mockers & blighters
& joke-making writers?
I hope they're not reading this Tweet

12.
The Emergency: you may recall
Told to bend, they crawl.
Now we'll do better, yes?
Politician can't fetter us!
'Cause big biz has us by the..


[The numbers link to the original Tweets that this post collects.]

The new economy

Vote for..

Indian Idle

Burp

Evil

Vice

Ten ways to impress a journalist

1. Don't bother to remember their beats. That's irrelevant. No matter what they cover, they will be interested in the product or person you represent.

2. Of course they want an 'interaction' with your client. They're turking for it. It doesn't matter whether their publication carries interviews. Or even if their publication covers the area in which your client operates. Your client is all that matters and they will see that if you email them three times. They'll thank you for it.

3. Send out emails, yes, but follow up with a phone call if they don't respond immediately and positively. That thing they say about emails saving time? Rubbish. The human touch is so important and so neglected in this hustling, bustling age.

4. Always call their cellphones, not the landlines that are listed on their visiting cards. That way you can reach them when they're out for a drink or getting some 'me time.' They will appreciate the gesture, since they would otherwise miss out on your important launch / event / interaction. And never call from your cellphone. This way, if they ever need to call you back late on production night to confirm something, they'll only have your office landline and they'll get your voicemail. This saves your 'me time' from being interrupted and the journo will remember this and respect your remarkable work:life balance. Respect is important.

5. Never send them links to large files. It would make the poor dears work extra hard to download them. Instead, send them large attachments which will fill up inboxes. This will ensure that your large attachments get their exclusive attention since they now won't get mail from pesky bosses, colleagues and the subjects of their stories. This will ensure that they never mark your ID as junk mail which will henceforth be delivered straight to the trash.
p.s. It may happen that your email might not get to its destination. You should ensure this does not happen by sending your message — with the large attachments — twice. Thrice for luck.

6. Oh, and never put the text of your press release into the body of the email. That is so last century. Instead, attach a large PDF file with plenty of pictures and fonts of many colours. This will demonstrate your aesthetic sense and technical skillz. (In your covering note, do remember to use SMSese and refer to the recipient as 'u.' Not only will they appreciate this liberty with the language amidst the shackles of their style guides and the frowns of their desk people, this also gives your email a nice non-businessy touch.)

7. Even if they're not working for a daily, which may need photos of your event (which they didn't send someone to cover despite your emails and phone follow-ups), to fill up space on a slow news day, send them pictures. Many of them. And remember: high-resolution images. This shows that you are highly professional and you know that they need print-quality images.

8. When you call, slip in a mention of the car that will pick the journalist up, and the place where they will be staying, even if you know that their publication has a no-freebies policy. Journos are easy to influence with a bit of posh treatment. And their publications won't mind; after all, these are recessionary times, and the news media is facing more cut-backs then ever before.

9. Time your emails so that they land up in the thick of the production cycle. That way the journalists' super-fine-tuned news antennae will recognise that they are important; they will then yell 'Stop The Presses!' (every journo secretly wants to do that) and include your press release in toto, dropping the story about Mr Big's secret deal / mistress.

10. Add them to your newsletter mailing lists without asking them. You're doing them a favour. They lead busy lives, so they don't have time to opt in, and they really appreciate your taking the trouble to do it for them. They're simple creatures, easy to please, without interests of their own, and your company's daily email will be a bright spot in their dull lives.

The #TwyttyrLytton contest

You've heard of the Bulwer-Lytton Prize, right? (If you haven't, get thee hence immediately. Come back when you're done!)

I think the problem with that otherwise brilliant contest is that the entries are, inevitably, very long. Take the 2010 winner:

For the first month of Ricardo and Felicity's affair, they greeted one another at every stolen rendezvous with a kiss--a lengthy, ravenous kiss, Ricardo lapping and sucking at Felicity's mouth as if she were a giant cage-mounted water bottle and he were the world's thirstiest gerbil.

Great stuff, but, hey, can you retweet it?

So, gentlefolk, I propose the #TwyttyrLytton contest.

The basic rule is the same:
Outdo Edward George Bulwer-Lytton's opening sentence to Paul Clifford. ("It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents—except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness.")

In addition:

• Entries must be posted on Twitter.
• Entries must be up to 125 characters long, including spaces, and include the #TwyttyrLytton hashtag. (125 characters is what you have left after the hashtag and a space.)
• The contest stays open 24/7.
• Winners will be decided by public acclaim. i.e., you'll get retweeted
• Prizes? Hah.
• Oh, and you give me permission to post my favourites to this blog.

p.s. Short URL for this post: http://tinyurl.com/tlytton

Irregular Conjugations

#IrregularConjugations on Twitter

I am firm; you are stubborn; they are thick-headed bigots

I am a bit out of condition; you are plump; they are fat

I have taste; you are a bit picky; they are spoiled layabouts

My kids are precocious; your kids need a little discipline; their kids should be in reform school

I'm a patriot; you are jingoistic; they are flaming xenophobes

I tweet often; you are getting a tad obsessive about Twitter; they don't have a life

I am open about my relationships; you can be indiscreet sometimes; they are exhibitionists

I am mellow; you are tipsy; they are dipsomaniacs

I am well-read; you are bookish; they are pedantic bores

I am open-minded; you vacillate occasionally; they don't have two principles to rub together

I am a pop-culture maven; you keep up with trends; they jump on every passing bandwagon

I have personality; you are eccentric; they are barking mad

I have my way of organising things; you are untidy; they are slobs

I am decisive; you are impetuous; they are rash fools

I am an online diarist; you are a blogger; they are a bunch of wankers

I am decisive; you are impetuous; they are rash fools

I have influential friends; you are star-struck; they are brown-nosers

I'm a gourmet; you are a gourmand; they are gluttons

I am a perfectionist; you are obsessive; they are anal

I have a unique personal style; you carry that off quite nicely; they are fashion disasters

Modern Proverbs

Our contributions to the day's popular hashtag.

His blog is worse than his Twitter bytes

Never judge a Facebook by her profile picture

The grass is always cleaner in Uttaranchal

If at first you don't succeed, get a Rajya Sabha nomination.

A stitch in time saves wardrobe malfunctions

You can't teach an old blog new tweets

Facebook expands to fill the available time

Why keep a Social Media expert when you can bark yourself?

Those who cannot learn from history got MBAs instead

No news is a cable TV strike

Little thongs please little minds

The early bird gets the worm. I prefer muesli.

He who lives by the sword gets a part in a daytime TV show

He who laughs last is just conforming

Too many cooks get TV shows

What's sauce for the goose is a light gravy for the gander

To travel hopefully is a better thing than to be an MTV Roadie

Familiarity breeds

All good things come to he who waits at the dark alley with a cosh

A picture paints a thousand words. But I still don't want your MMS.

A penny saved is bloody impossible

A fool and his money answer ICICI telemarketers

Absence makes the heart go thanda

Birds of a feather retweet each other

Discretion is the better part of contract negotiation

Don't wash your dirty linen in public. Sign an exclusive contract with NDTV Imagine first.

Every picture tells a story. Except a Karan Johar movie.

Good fences are necessary to flog the stuff you nick from your neighbours

Money is the root of RDLJ

Man cannot live by bread alone. He must have some reality TV.

All roads lead to @netra

To err is human, to cover it is CNN-IBN.

Where there is a will, there's litigation

Some have greatness thrust upon them, some achieve greatness, and then there's @jhunjhunwala

The (Twitter) Gospel according to St Peter

Remember Follow Fridays and keep them holy.

As ye tweet, thus shall ye be retweeted.

Thou shalt not stalk thy neighbour's followers in the hope that they follow ye.

Thou shalt not plug thy status updates into Facebook, that barren land of nonbelievers & quiz-takers.

Thou shalt not bear false witness. That includes tweeting stuff you only actually saw on TV.

Honour thy father and thy mother. What happens at home shalt not be tweeted.
(Unless, of course, thy parents tweeted first)
(You *really* shouldn't have got them on to Twitter, y'know.)

Thou shalt not sledge @stephenfry. He has earned his moods.
@shashitharoor is, however, fair game.

Thou shalt get back to work, hm?

#Thou #shalt #use #hashtags #judiciously.

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's ass. Well, okay, maybe if s/he's really callipygous.

If ye seek to be retweeted, ye shall ensure that thy tweets have enough characters left over to permit it.

Thou shalt casually mention @gulpanag in thy tweets, as if you're, like, friends and all.

Thou shalt quit while thou art ahead.

Thou shalt not relentlessly pimp thy blog. (These tweets archived at http://bit.ly/nvenr)

RT @zigzackly Thou shalt not relentlessly pimp thy blog. (These tweets archived at http://bit.ly/nvenr)

Retweeting yourself - or RTing what others tweet to you - is bad form. Only SEOs do that.

RT @zigzackly The Gospel according to St Peter: Retweeting yourself - or RTing what others tweet to you - is bad form. Only SEOs do that.