Journalusts

We're on the same beat and our publications compete
Alas it's only at press conferences that we get to meet

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Avec moi ce soir, voulez vous coucher?
Say oui and I'll fill out the on-assignment voucher

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Are things getting intense? Do we need clothes here?
I think we should practice full disclosure.

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Your advance (copy) has been received and seen
Now, let's both get Lit, if you know what I mean
#BooksPageEdition

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The markets are up by every index
Let's you and me meet and celebrate the sensex
#BusinessPageEdition

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With edits and op-eds the editor can fiddle
Let's you and me spend some time fine-tuning your middle
#EditPageEdition

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What would it take to get you to my kamra?
I could snapchat you my piece-to-camera
#TVEdition

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Of course it's legal; of course you oughta
I should know; I'm a crime reporter

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I'd be good for you, you know that my sweet
I spend all my time on the healthcare beat

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No one will know if we hook up, I solemnly swear
My bylines are all under diplomatic affairs

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Everyone knows Desk gives the best head
lines. So I'm a copy editor; take me to bed

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I don't edit copy, I'm not a reporting hack
But I have a column that I could show you in the sack

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That's a lens in my pocket but I'm happy to see ya
I'm the photographer and I'm good at exposures

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Yes, you're with @BuzzFeedIndia, but I still think we should date
Here are 17 reasons why I know it will be great

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I know you're very busy and online there's no off day
But surely you have time for a little @scroll_in the hay?

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Of course you're very busy with that Page 1 lead today
But maybe later you and I could do an exposé?

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I would confess my love which has grown & ripened
I would try to woo you but I don't even get a stipend

Animal Passions keeps calm and carries on

The female lllacme plenipes is the leggiest animal: she walks on 750
The male has just 562, & 4 of those are gonopods, which is V-day nifty

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Arthropod aedeagi deliver spermatophores (capsules of spermatozoa)
Some leave 'em lying round on the ground (most only give them to their lovers)

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Some arthropods also give their partners gifts of spermatophylax
Which are balls of nutrients for the kiddies; a better gift than lilacs

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Most male spiders are smaller than females & a date could be a bad fate
So they detach their pedipalps & scarper & it continues to ejaculate

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Daddy-longlegs couples mate & then mum delivers fertilised eggs
Dad Daddy guards ’em, & doesn’t let mum Daddy eat ’em, not even if she begs

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The blanket octopus male doesn’t get between the sheets with his lover
He detaches a… load-bearing arm and leaves it with her to… deliver

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Hyena females have pseudopenises: clitorises which protrude 7 inches
For males this means they have to practise to get it in in the clinches

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Many placental mammals’ baculums & baubellums aid 'em when having sex
Not humans alas, but we still get boners: creditable in that context

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Leopard slugs are hermaphrodites who indulge in bondage play
They dangle from slime ropes & entwine penises & so literally swing both ways

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The queenless ant female pulls off the ultimate dick (re)move
While they’re at it, she bites it off but leaves it in to prove her V-day love

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Adactylidium mite females celebrate V-day while still inside mother
Then eat mama from the inside & leave, pregnant, thanks to their brother

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Mecoptera studs give gals V-day gifts: bugs that they have caught
Less alpha males pretend to be girls, take the bugs & go off to court

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The seahorse male has a cool Valentine gift: an egg pouch on his tummy
Bae drops her eggs in the pouch; he fertilises 'em & then he's mummy

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Giraffes have something in common with POTUS number 45
Males taste their ladies' urine as part of the courtship jive

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Fruit bat males have sex lives worthy of all male aspiration
While they're doing it the female encourages them with oral… affirmation

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Indian flying fox females get better Valentines than most other bats
The males provide lingual stimulation; they clearly know where it's at

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Hippopotamus Valentine's Day involves flying excrement
It may not work for you, good thing, 'cause for them it's signalling intent

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In California winters, garter snakes come out to play one and all
They tend to do in rather large groups; it's called a mating ball

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North Atlantic Right Whale threesomes are not easy to emulate
They can do simultaneous intromission; no one gets left… out, mate

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California beaches, they say, are known for mating games
But the orgies of the grunion put all the others to shame

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Lady Australian buprestid beetles are the colour of bottles of beer
Males have been seen…hitting bottles(like good Aussies they say Cheers!)

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Of course sloths are slow, and on Valentine's day they… linger
But they do it dangling from branches; they're the ultimate swingers

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Fig wasps are born in figs & their partners are their nestlings
You might say their Valentines are always quite incesting

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When sharks make out, serious biting is part of the ritual
So when a shark chomps into you, just say the feeling's not mutual

Interesting

"Zat fish," Cloiseau said, "is not a suspect, but 'e definitely knows somezing about zis case. We should interrogate 'im. 'E is a poisson of interest."

Professor Higgs was certain now. This sub-atomic particle was not the one they were searching for, but he needed to question it carefully. It was definitely a boson of interest.

That clergyman wasn't the one who buggered the choirboys. But he does know the bishop, so we should question him. He's a parson of interest.

Those fried-&-dried snacks from western India aren't the culprits. But bring them to the interrogation room. They are farsans of interest.

How many queues must a man wait in?

At a concert on Saturday, our Prime Minister quoted words of protest written by a certain Robert Zimmerman back in 1963. That reminded us of this more contemporary work by Balbir ‘Bobby’ Dhillon, who owns Noble Lorry 8 Pvt. Ltd. (‘We have no brunches’) and writes a bit while he’s waiting in line to withdraw cash to pay his drivers.

Come gather ’round people
It’s not time to roam
While you whined the lines
Around you have grown
Just accept it that soon
You’ll be tir’d to the bone
If your savin’s to you are worth drawin’
Then you better start queuin’ or you’ll be all alone
For the notes they are a-changin’

Pressti …wallas and critics
Who editorialise often
Do keep your eyes wide
We’ll change the rules again
So don’t speak at all
You can’t counter my spin
Here’s one more RBI notification!
Don’t try to figure it, you just can’t win
Hah! The notes they are a-changin’

You UPA Congressis
Don’t get it all
I’ll use your best schemes
And rename them all
I’m sure it must hurt
To hear all my trolls
Being ‘offended’ and ‘hurt’ and ‘outragin’’
And while you’re trying to figure it all
The notes I will be a-changin’

Grand-mothers and -fathers
A separate queue for you
And ’cause I sympathise
Take Saturday too
Your sons and your daughters
They will have to stand
Out on the road slowly agin’
Yes it’s your money, yes I understand
But the notes they are a-changin’

The line it is long
Do have a blast
The slow queue now
Will never be fast
You resent me now
I am aghast
Is your nationalism fadin’?
Alas your cash stash is now ballast
’Cause the notes they are a-changin’

One Art

(May the shade of Elizabeth Bishop forgive me)

Mitron, brownnosing isn’t hard to master;
just say (and again) how good was the intent,
never mind that it looks like a disaster.

Praise something every day. And drink gaumutra.
Hours in queues are never badly spent;
patriots never doubt the lord and master.

Then practice cleaning farther. Like the taste, eh?
Remember the soldiers freezing in their tents!
Say that to all who call this a disaster.

Keep Mother India swachch. Don’t think! Sweep faster!
So much easier than teaching civic sense;
yes, this art is a fine and good one master.

How can you doubt him? Traitor, go eat pasta!
To Italy — no, Pakistan — you’ll be sent
for implying that this is a disaster.

No, don’t think of the economy (we aren’t)
and don’t think of your money that you can’t spend.
Mitron, brownnosing isn’t hard to master;
Just remember (Write it!) it’s no disaster.

Achche Din

I was chatting with my neighbourhood kiranwala. After telling me how tough it was to manage his 'rolling' cash, he told me this story.

One of the people he deals with, a wholesaler in the Govandi area, one of the poorest sections of Bombay, saw that many of the disadvantaged who live there — particularly those without bank accounts and proper ID — were literally doing without food because the kind of grocery shops and hole-in-the-wall eating houses they would buy from wouldn't take their under-the-mattress money. So this guy mobilised his network of partners and supplier and arranged to get whatever sub-500 notes he could. He then exchanged these with the people of the area, taking a 10% margin on average.

He disbursed Rs 25 lakh in a day and made a tidy 2.5 lakh profit.

Mera numbering system mahaan

If we insist on using the Indian numbering system, why stop at crore and wind up with clumsy stuff like three lakh crore? There are legit larger number names: arab, kharab, neel, padma, shankh.

1,00,00,00,000 = Arab (instead of one hundred crore)

1,00,00,00,00,000 = Kharab (instead of ten thousand crore)

1,00,00,00,00,00,000 = Neel (instead of ten lakh crore)

1,00,00,00,00,00,00,000 = Padma (instead of ten crore crore)

1,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,000 = Shankh (instead of ten thousand crore crore)

Or to put it another way:

Arab = billion

Kharab = hundred billion

(Ten kharab = trillion)

Neel = ten trillion

Padma = quadrillion

Shankh = hundred quadrillion

Malpractice

Praising the demonetisation and calling it a surgical strike sounds dead wrong to me. It sounds like whoever said that doesn't understand either surgery or warfare. Any surgery that did this much damage to the body would be grounds for a medical malpractice suit.

What it is is a dirty bomb. or rather an atom bomb. Deals the 'enemy' a serious blow, may even give you victory, but look at the huge 'collateral damage.'

Go well, Leonard Cohen

"Well Marianne it's come to this time when we are really so old and our bodies are falling apart and I think I will follow you very soon. Know that I am so close behind you that if you stretch out your hand, I think you can reach mine. And you know that I've always loved you for your beauty and your wisdom, but I don't need to say anything more about that because you know all about that. But now, I just want to wish you a very good journey. Goodbye old friend. Endless love, see you down the road."
Source

An idea of America

There's this idea of America I've had, which I'm now wondering about. That this … abstraction was always well-intentioned. One could disagree with this abstraction, not like some things it did, find it often patronising, often clueless, too often convinced of its own solutions. But there was the feeling that it meant well.
That sense of America has taken a bit of a beating the last couple of days.