The female lllacme plenipes is the leggiest animal: she walks on 750
The male has just 562, & 4 of those are gonopods, which is V-day nifty
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Arthropod aedeagi deliver spermatophores (capsules of spermatozoa)
Some leave 'em lying round on the ground (most only give them to their lovers)
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Some arthropods also give their partners gifts of spermatophylax
Which are balls of nutrients for the kiddies; a better gift than lilacs
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Most male spiders are smaller than females & a date could be a bad fate
So they detach their pedipalps & scarper & it continues to ejaculate
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Daddy-longlegs couples mate & then mum delivers fertilised eggs
Dad Daddy guards ’em, & doesn’t let mum Daddy eat ’em, not even if she begs
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The blanket octopus male doesn’t get between the sheets with his lover
He detaches a… load-bearing arm and leaves it with her to… deliver
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Hyena females have pseudopenises: clitorises which protrude 7 inches
For males this means they have to practise to get it in in the clinches
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Many placental mammals’ baculums & baubellums aid 'em when having sex
Not humans alas, but we still get boners: creditable in that context
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Leopard slugs are hermaphrodites who indulge in bondage play
They dangle from slime ropes & entwine penises & so literally swing both ways
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The queenless ant female pulls off the ultimate dick (re)move
While they’re at it, she bites it off but leaves it in to prove her V-day love
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Adactylidium mite females celebrate V-day while still inside mother
Then eat mama from the inside & leave, pregnant, thanks to their brother
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Mecoptera studs give gals V-day gifts: bugs that they have caught
Less alpha males pretend to be girls, take the bugs & go off to court
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The seahorse male has a cool Valentine gift: an egg pouch on his tummy
Bae drops her eggs in the pouch; he fertilises 'em & then he's mummy
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Giraffes have something in common with POTUS number 45
Males taste their ladies' urine as part of the courtship jive
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Fruit bat males have sex lives worthy of all male aspiration
While they're doing it the female encourages them with oral… affirmation
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Indian flying fox females get better Valentines than most other bats
The males provide lingual stimulation; they clearly know where it's at
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Hippopotamus Valentine's Day involves flying excrement
It may not work for you, good thing, 'cause for them it's signalling intent
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In California winters, garter snakes come out to play one and all
They tend to do in rather large groups; it's called a mating ball
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North Atlantic Right Whale threesomes are not easy to emulate
They can do simultaneous intromission; no one gets left… out, mate
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California beaches, they say, are known for mating games
But the orgies of the grunion put all the others to shame
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Lady Australian buprestid beetles are the colour of bottles of beer
Males have been seen…hitting bottles(like good Aussies they say Cheers!)
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Of course sloths are slow, and on Valentine's day they… linger
But they do it dangling from branches; they're the ultimate swingers
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Fig wasps are born in figs & their partners are their nestlings
You might say their Valentines are always quite incesting
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When sharks make out, serious biting is part of the ritual
So when a shark chomps into you, just say the feeling's not mutual
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