Journalusts

We're on the same beat and our publications compete
Alas it's only at press conferences that we get to meet

***

Avec moi ce soir, voulez vous coucher?
Say oui and I'll fill out the on-assignment voucher

***

Are things getting intense? Do we need clothes here?
I think we should practice full disclosure.

***

Your advance (copy) has been received and seen
Now, let's both get Lit, if you know what I mean
#BooksPageEdition

***

The markets are up by every index
Let's you and me meet and celebrate the sensex
#BusinessPageEdition

***

With edits and op-eds the editor can fiddle
Let's you and me spend some time fine-tuning your middle
#EditPageEdition

***

What would it take to get you to my kamra?
I could snapchat you my piece-to-camera
#TVEdition

***

Of course it's legal; of course you oughta
I should know; I'm a crime reporter

***

I'd be good for you, you know that my sweet
I spend all my time on the healthcare beat

***

No one will know if we hook up, I solemnly swear
My bylines are all under diplomatic affairs

***

Everyone knows Desk gives the best head
lines. So I'm a copy editor; take me to bed

***

I don't edit copy, I'm not a reporting hack
But I have a column that I could show you in the sack

***

That's a lens in my pocket but I'm happy to see ya
I'm the photographer and I'm good at exposures

***

Yes, you're with @BuzzFeedIndia, but I still think we should date
Here are 17 reasons why I know it will be great

***

I know you're very busy and online there's no off day
But surely you have time for a little @scroll_in the hay?

***

Of course you're very busy with that Page 1 lead today
But maybe later you and I could do an exposé?

***

I would confess my love which has grown & ripened
I would try to woo you but I don't even get a stipend

Animal Passions keeps calm and carries on

The female lllacme plenipes is the leggiest animal: she walks on 750
The male has just 562, & 4 of those are gonopods, which is V-day nifty

***

Arthropod aedeagi deliver spermatophores (capsules of spermatozoa)
Some leave 'em lying round on the ground (most only give them to their lovers)

***

Some arthropods also give their partners gifts of spermatophylax
Which are balls of nutrients for the kiddies; a better gift than lilacs

***

Most male spiders are smaller than females & a date could be a bad fate
So they detach their pedipalps & scarper & it continues to ejaculate

***

Daddy-longlegs couples mate & then mum delivers fertilised eggs
Dad Daddy guards ’em, & doesn’t let mum Daddy eat ’em, not even if she begs

***

The blanket octopus male doesn’t get between the sheets with his lover
He detaches a… load-bearing arm and leaves it with her to… deliver

***

Hyena females have pseudopenises: clitorises which protrude 7 inches
For males this means they have to practise to get it in in the clinches

***

Many placental mammals’ baculums & baubellums aid 'em when having sex
Not humans alas, but we still get boners: creditable in that context

***

Leopard slugs are hermaphrodites who indulge in bondage play
They dangle from slime ropes & entwine penises & so literally swing both ways

***

The queenless ant female pulls off the ultimate dick (re)move
While they’re at it, she bites it off but leaves it in to prove her V-day love

***

Adactylidium mite females celebrate V-day while still inside mother
Then eat mama from the inside & leave, pregnant, thanks to their brother

***

Mecoptera studs give gals V-day gifts: bugs that they have caught
Less alpha males pretend to be girls, take the bugs & go off to court

***

The seahorse male has a cool Valentine gift: an egg pouch on his tummy
Bae drops her eggs in the pouch; he fertilises 'em & then he's mummy

***

Giraffes have something in common with POTUS number 45
Males taste their ladies' urine as part of the courtship jive

***

Fruit bat males have sex lives worthy of all male aspiration
While they're doing it the female encourages them with oral… affirmation

***

Indian flying fox females get better Valentines than most other bats
The males provide lingual stimulation; they clearly know where it's at

***

Hippopotamus Valentine's Day involves flying excrement
It may not work for you, good thing, 'cause for them it's signalling intent

***

In California winters, garter snakes come out to play one and all
They tend to do in rather large groups; it's called a mating ball

***

North Atlantic Right Whale threesomes are not easy to emulate
They can do simultaneous intromission; no one gets left… out, mate

***

California beaches, they say, are known for mating games
But the orgies of the grunion put all the others to shame

***

Lady Australian buprestid beetles are the colour of bottles of beer
Males have been seen…hitting bottles(like good Aussies they say Cheers!)

***

Of course sloths are slow, and on Valentine's day they… linger
But they do it dangling from branches; they're the ultimate swingers

***

Fig wasps are born in figs & their partners are their nestlings
You might say their Valentines are always quite incesting

***

When sharks make out, serious biting is part of the ritual
So when a shark chomps into you, just say the feeling's not mutual

(P)ink-stained wretches

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Sources familiar with developments say
I could get exclusive with you

***

How do I love thee?
...
Let me file a listicle
That counts the ways

***

Deadlines don't matter
For you I am aching
If you don't go out with me
My heart will be #Breaking

***

I'm nuts about you
I have to confess, love
No point denying it
They all know at Press Club

***

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
The Desk says no, that's way to clichéd

***

Hey I just met you
And this is crazy
But I have to file by 10pm
Or my boss will slay me

***

I love you more
Than press releases
You make me want
To stop the presses

***

I've searched north and south
and east and west
You're one I want
To be my conflict of interest

***

You say ink-stained wretches
Have no sense of romance
But I love you more
Than my travel allowance

***

Do not doubt my love for you
'Tis more powerful than wild horses
I have confirmation
From two independent sources

***

O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou a flack?
Quit that PR agency or if you won't. I'l quit being a hack

***

If you were any sweeter, your last name would be fondant
That's why I want to be your principal correspondent

***

I'll send you all my love by special cargo
And you can keep it in permanent embargo
#PRValentines

***

You and I, darling, have a special accord
Don't you think it's time we went off the record?

***

Some like Barkha & some like Rajdeep
I'm glad I like them both but, peeps,
I wonder if this channel switching
Is really all that bitching

Or are greater TRPs a sign?
Should I watch Newshour at nine?
Should I choose between anchor & anchor?
Or like the nation, watch that wanker?

***

Closing time in the newsroom
& I have an idea, my sweet
The paper will soon be put to bed
We should follow toute suite

***

Roses are red, pink, white, yellow, even black.. Sorry, where was I?
#ScienceWriterEdition

***

Attn: Desk,
Did I make you wait?
I'm so sorry my dears.
This Valentine ain't late,
It's early for next year.

More offspring of Animal Passions

Nudibranchs do autotomy which is really kinda neat
Post-Valentine's, they bobbitise themselves then grow new ones (& repeat)

***
Some fish are sequential hermaphrodites; i.e., they switch sex
So V-day can give new meaning to 'vice versa' and 'doing the ex'

***

But behold the Bombay Night Frog: they do it differently
He, er, gets onto her back, then relies on gravity

Even More Animal Passions

On V-Day, one male honeybee gets to mate, but at a sad price
Ejaculation ejects sperm. And genitals, which can't bee nice

***

Echidna males have something that would make you scratch your forehead
The male valentine equipment comes with, you guessed it, four heads

***

With anglerfish, the love-bite is for keeps, and that's no metaphor
The male literally stays attached: it's V-day for ever more

***

You think your.. Valentine is big? Mate, you're actually quite thrifty
The male barnacle has a thing that's his body length times fifty.

***

The Valentine antics of the antichinus are worthy of a talk at TED
They do nothing but bonk for weeks until the males go blind & drop dead

***

Banana slugs are hermaphrodites, so each one can do & be done
But occasional apophallation can end the Valentine's fun of one

***

Squid celebrate Valentine's day at arm's length, you could say
The male throws sperm packets, the female caches them away

***

Dolphins don't have hands or feet, they're not 'manipulative'
But their prehensile male organs make V-day, um, creative

***

According to @realscientists, nurse sharks are prone to hi-jinks
Their Valentine celebrations are a physical form of group-think

***

Feline males have keratin barbs on their Valentine equipment
Withdrawal is painful, so females are quite vocal post delivery of shipment

***

The water boatman's Valentine song's sung in a way that's all its own
It vibrates its penis against its abs, the loudest animal sound known

(in proportion to the critter's size)

***

Harpactea sadistica ladies have no vagina-like place for.. deposits
So the gent drills one in her body & opens his Valentine faucet

***

Turkeys meant for eating are for enormous breasts breeded
Which makes natural breeding tough, so artificial Valentinisation is needed

***

Flatworms are hermaphrodites, they.. come with TWO 'swords' on the tummy
They fence each other for V-day, & the loser gets to be mummy

***

Giant pandas don't seem to KNOW exactly how to get it on
So for Valentine season researchers have to show them panda porn

***

Bonobos don't fight much; they resolve conflict with sexual play
In other words, for bonobos, every day is St Valentine's day

***

Male marsupials have two-pronged penises which seems like too many for one
But the females have two vaginas, so they're ready for Valentine's fun

***

Male 'gators don't need Valentine viagra, they have permanent erections
Excessive amounts of collagen there explain the constant distension

***

Snakes & lizards have two sets of valentine tackle
But they use them one at a time, which is practical

***

Amphibian Valentine play does not involve a nexus twixt the sexes
Daddy semi-leapfrogs Mummy, and then performs amplexus

More Animal Passions

A prehensile whatsit gives the elephant motor control.
When his Valentine expresses delight, he smirks, ‘that’s how I roll!’

…
Ants are almost all female,& only the Queen gets to hump
Her Valentines die after they mate mid-air,& fall down with a thump

…
Male ducks have spiral thingies, which are with speed imbued.
On Valentine's Day those quackers redefine 'corkscrewed.'

Animal Passions

Alas, the hapless porcupine, his heart really bleeds, poor chap.
The quills on his fair valentine turned metaphor into a mishap.

…

Pity the poor mantis, when he’s in his Valentine’s embrace.
When the lady says "Oh God!" she’s merely saying grace.

…

On Valentine’s Day, in the water sport the hippopotami.
It’s the only way to support their entwined anatomy.

…

Snails are strange creatures; hermaphrodites every one.
On Valentine’s Day, the bastards have twice the fun.

St Valentine’s day massacre

Can i use your heart for my Valentine?
(Signed) Doctor Victor Frankenstein.

…

Would you mind awfully if should poke a
Little hole in your neck and sip? - B Stoker.

…

I sit here, holding her hand in mine—
A souvenir from my chopped-up Valentine.

St Valentine's day massacre...

...and other beastial tales. All my own work. Yenjoy.

Can i use your heart for my Valentine?
(Signed) Doctor Victor Frankenstein.

...

Would you mind awfully if should poke a
Little hole in your neck and sip? - B Stoker.

...

I sit here, holding her hand in mine -
A souvenir from my chopped-up Valentine.

...

Alas, the hapless porcupine, his heart really bleeds, poor chap.
The quills on his fair valentine turned metaphor into a mishap.

...

Pity the poor mantis, when he's in his Valentine's embrace.
When the lady says "Oh God!" she's merely saying grace.

...

On Valentine's Day, in the water sport the hippopotami.
It's the only way to support their combined anatomy.

...

Snails are strange creatures; hermaphrodites every one.
On Valentine's Day, the bastards have twice the fun

...

Got more? Come share the love in the comments section.