Monday, 25 July 2016

Mother Goose for start-ups

The numbers link to tweets where I originally posted these.

1.
Jack & Jill
Went up the hill
To fill their Series A
Jack came down
With 100 mill
& Jill got jack.
Y'know, woman entrepreneur.

2.
Twinkle, twinkle, start-up star,
O M G, you've come so far!
You got valuations sky-high,
But boss, where's the R O I?

3.
Humpty Dumpty built a mall
Humpty had discounts for 1 & all
All of the VCs gave him a call
& Humpty exited & had a ball

4.
Little Ms Muffet
Went to the buffet
To get herself some food
This kept her in office
She don't know what time off is
Start-up culture, dude

5.
Rock-a-bye baby: new biz opp
When the wind blows, sales will rock
The bubble'll pop, values'll fall
The investor's problem, not mine at all

6.
This little app's on the market
This little app's made a crore
The little app finds roast beef
So it only works in Bangalore

7.
I'm from IIM-B
Short & stout
Got a Twitter handle
Gimme a shout
That's my Uber calling
Gotta get out
VCs want to buy me out!

8.
Mary had a little lamb
(Her chef was cordon bleu)
Then bought a golden Mercedes Benz
Successful I P O!

9.
Here we go round the mulberry bush
The mulberry bush
The mulberry bush
Here we go round the mulberry bush
Investor meeting this morning

10.
Baba BlackWolf
Have you any wool?
Haanji haanji
Round 3's full
Some for the VC's eyes
Some for the dames
Some for carpet
In my private plane

11.
There was a crooked man
and he went a crooked mile
He found a crooked sixpence
And said, Woohoo! Capital!

12.
Oranges and lemons
Sold for a penny
For the e-grocers
Are so many
The grass is greener
On the e-com side
No it's not career
Suicide

13.
There was an old woman
Who lived in a shoe
Because she thought bootstrapping
Was the only thing to do


14.
Oh, The grand old Duke of York
He had ten thousand men
He marched them up to the top of the hill
And changed his business plan

15.
See, saw, Marjorie Daw
We shall have a new master
They booted out the founder CEO
Because he couldn't make profits faster

16.
CEO CEO
Where have you been?
I've been to London
To pitch to the Queen
CEO CEO
How did you fare?
She got her grandson
To throw me downstairs

17.
Jack be nimble
Jack you prick
Jack must pivot
Really quick
You aimed high
But you jumped low
And now the investors
Want profits to show

18.
Pat-a-cake pat-a-cake
Programmer man
Make me an app
As fast as you can
Code it & load it
And mark it ™
Put it in the AppStore
By 10 pm

19.
Little Bo Peep has lost her peeps
& can't tell where to hire more
She offered SOPs & late-night drops
But they all want to work offshore

20.
Little Boy Blue, pick up the phone
Clients are mad, systems are down
Where is the boy who fixes the F-ups?
In a cafe, pitching his start-up

21.
Little Jack Horner
Sat in the corner
Coding his new API
"It's Uber for [X]
It's better than sex..
..I think. Wouldn't know, would I?

22.
Two co-founders
Sitting on a wall
One named Peter
One named Paul
Fly away Peter
Fly away Paul
Professional managers
Are taking all the calls

23.
@ashonindia had a firm
A I, A I, Yo
Her software passed the Turing Test
A I, A I, Yo
With a Round 1 here & a Round 2 there
When's the IPO?

24.
Solomon Gru
Idea: Mon
Biz plan: Tue
Angel funds: Wed
Launch: Thu
Bills: Fri
Bankrupt: Sat
Jobhunt: Sun
This is the end Of Solomon Gru

25.
Bold Mama Hubbard
Went to the Board
To fetch the founders a bonus
But when she got there
The board was like "Meh"
& so the founders had none

26.
One, two
An idea! New!
Three four
Knock at PE doors
Five, six
Bloody dicks
Seven, eight
Harness your hate
Nine, ten
Start again

27.
Hickory dickory dock
Overvalued stock
The P:E ratio's 10:1
Where T F is my gun?
Hockery dorkery dick

Forgiving

That moment when what you think about something important — a person you admire, a job, a friendship — changes, drastically and irrevocably.

When you look back at it, cushioned from the pain by years of distance, you realise that it wasn't, after all, a particular deed or word that made the difference; you see that you had been suppressing the knowledge that things weren't the way you wanted them to be, and what that word, that deed, did was throw a harsh light on what you'd been hiding from yourself.

It is acceptance of the loss of illusion.

And then, all those years later, you start forgiving that person, and, more importantly, yourself.

When you accept that it was your perhaps unrealistic expectations, needs, desires, that played a role, when you accept your own fault, then maybe you'll find that that schism isn't as unbridgeable as you thought it was.

It is comfort — small comfort — when you're struggling with more recent turmoil, to know that one day you can reach that point. It would be nice to be able to get there more quickly. Ideally without ageing. : ) But that would take more internal evolution than some of us can manage without the help of the years.

Monday, 23 May 2016

An amateur pessimist's guide to the months of the year

A new year. New things to stress about. It's Januworry.

Only one month into the year and you're tired. Februweary.

Screw the dream; you sold out to the system. It must be Merch.

The world has made a monkey outa you. You're pissed. But what are you gonna do about it? It's only Aperile.

It's too hot to give a fuck about anything. Yay. It's Meh.

Your world-view is still jaundiced. Naturally. It's Jaune.

Ethics. Principles. Ju do what ju gotta do. Ju lie.

Couldn't get worse, yeah? It's Arghest.

But then you get Shitember.

And the world is just expectorant in Awk-thoo-ber.

Nothing will work to your advantage. It's Nahvember.

The world will bite you into little pieces. Because it can. And because it's Decmember.

Saturday, 21 May 2016

An amateur pessimist's guide to the days of the week

Today is Shatterday. It's when you contemplate the remnants of the dreams of your youth.

Tomorrow, on Shunday, you tell the world to bugger off and leave you alone, because what's the point we're all alone anyway.

Then, on Mournday, you weep for all that is lost and will never come back except in your dreams and then you wake up.

On Twosday, shit happens. Twice.

Ah, here's Whensday. The day on which you wonder if all that you have worked for and planned for will ever come to pass.

Every Thirstday, the arid desert of existence will parch your soul.

Of course on Fryday you wonder if there's anything to the Christian take on the afterlife, because then you know where you're headed.

Tuesday, 5 April 2016

Museums of Bombay

When I was editing this piece for work, it struck me that I could test right away how much Bombaywallas knew about the city’s museums. So I asked on Twitter, Quick poll for Bombaywallas. How many museums in the city can you name (no Googling)? How many have you visited? And I got a bunch or responses. You can see all of them if you click through to the tweet thread.

I knew about most of these, and have visited a few (but not in a very long time), but some came as complete news to me. I did use the answers I got as a box for the piece, but that didn't get posted to the online version for some reason. So, sharing the wealth here, for those of you who, like me, know of some, but not all of them. Please tell me if I've missed any?

Chhatrapati Shivaji Maharaj Vastu Sangrahalaya (Prince of Wales Museum), Fort
Dr Bhau Daji Lad Museum (Victoria & Albert Museum), Rani Baug, Byculla
Mani Bhavan Mahatma Gandhi Museum, Laburnum Road, Gamdevi
RBI Monetary Museum, Sir Phirozshah Mehta Road, Fort
• BEST Transport Museum, Anik Depot, Wadala
National Museum of Indian Cinema, G Deshmukh Marg (Peddar Road)
National Gallery of Modern Art, Fort
Nehru Science Centre, Worli
•National Maritime Museum (Ballard Bunder Gatehouse), Ballard Estate
Bombay Natural History Society collections (open to students, researchers and amateur nature lovers with prior appointment), Kala Ghoda
• Railway Museum section, Chhatrapati Shivaji Terminus
• Western Railway Heritage Gallery, Western Railway Headquarters, Churchgate
• Dinesh Modi Numismatics Museum, Mumbai University, Kalina
• Mobai Bhavan (dedicated to the East Indian community), Manori
• Framji Dadabhoy Alpaiwalla Museum (dedicated to the Parsi community), Kemp’s Corner
St Pius X College (Roman Catholic artefacts), Goregaon East
The Acworth Leprosy Museum, Wadala

There are also a number of organised walks around the city, where you can get to see parts of our heritage in places that are not technically museums, but which are redolent with history.

Sunday, 14 February 2016

(P)ink-stained wretches

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Sources familiar with developments say
I could get exclusive with you

***

How do I love thee?
...
Let me file a listicle
That counts the ways

***

Deadlines don't matter
For you I am aching
If you don't go out with me
My heart will be #Breaking

***

I'm nuts about you
I have to confess, love
No point denying it
They all know at Press Club

***

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
The Desk says no, that's way to clichéd

***

Hey I just met you
And this is crazy
But I have to file by 10pm
Or my boss will slay me

***

I love you more
Than press releases
You make me want
To stop the presses

***

I've searched north and south
and east and west
You're one I want
To be my conflict of interest

***

You say ink-stained wretches
Have no sense of romance
But I love you more
Than my travel allowance

***

Do not doubt my love for you
'Tis more powerful than wild horses
I have confirmation
From two independent sources

***

O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou a flack?
Quit that PR agency or if you won't. I'l quit being a hack

***

If you were any sweeter, your last name would be fondant
That's why I want to be your principal correspondent

***

I'll send you all my love by special cargo
And you can keep it in permanent embargo
#PRValentines

***

You and I, darling, have a special accord
Don't you think it's time we went off the record?

***

Some like Barkha & some like Rajdeep
I'm glad I like them both but, peeps,
I wonder if this channel switching
Is really all that bitching

Or are greater TRPs a sign?
Should I watch Newshour at nine?
Should I choose between anchor & anchor?
Or like the nation, watch that wanker?

***

Closing time in the newsroom
& I have an idea, my sweet
The paper will soon be put to bed
We should follow toute suite

***

Roses are red, pink, white, yellow, even black.. Sorry, where was I?
#ScienceWriterEdition

***

Attn: Desk,
Did I make you wait?
I'm so sorry my dears.
This Valentine ain't late,
It's early for next year.

More offspring of Animal Passions

Nudibranchs do autotomy which is really kinda neat
Post-Valentine's, they bobbitise themselves then grow new ones (& repeat)

***
Some fish are sequential hermaphrodites; i.e., they switch sex
So V-day can give new meaning to 'vice versa' and 'doing the ex'

***

But behold the Bombay Night Frog: they do it differently
He, er, gets onto her back, then relies on gravity

Thursday, 26 November 2015

Feature writers wanted

After seven years at Forbes India in Network18, I've just moved to The Hindu. I'm part of the team launching the new Bombay edition that comes out for the first time this Saturday.

Part of my brief is to source great feature stories.

My immediate focus is the city of Bombay* and all its myriad facets (though later I will be looking for work from and about other parts of India and the world as well, so bookmark this and come back later if Bambai* isn't your thing). I'm looking for freelance feature writers who know the city intimately and write with skill, passion and insight, who can inform and entertain the intelligent reader. I'm looking for stories about the arts, culture, entertainment, sports, city life, education, business, politics.. anything and everything that makes Mumbai* tick, really. And if it's in some way linked to current events, so much the better.

If you don't know me, please check out my bonafides on LinkedIn, but don't message me there please; I rarely check that godawful site. And then email me (my name at Gmail) links to a few (not more than four) of your best pieces of writing and a reasonably detailed pitch that includes your credentials to do the piece. You could also tweet at me.

* I don't care what you call the city, as long as you don't get uptight about me calling it Bombay, as old friends can.

Thursday, 19 November 2015

#SanskariJamesBond titles

a.k.a. [Invented in India] [Invented in India] 7

I set myself the task of doing ALL the Bond films, in order, in one burst on Twitter (where the hashtag mocked the Censor Board's shenanigans with S.P.E.C.T.R.E., so, well, uneven quality, to put it mildly. Please feel free to come up with better versions of the really lame ones.

Daaktar Sahib! Nahin!
From Russia With Dowry
सोने की ऊँगली
ठंडा Balls
You Only Live Ninety-Seven Times
Get Job In Indian Administrative Service
Diamonds Are Suitable Substitute For Scooter
Live And Let Reincarnate
The Man With The Gold Chain On Hairy Chest
The Spy Who Eve-Teased Me
Muckraker
For Your Aai Only
Octo[censored]
A View To A 2BHK
The Art Of Living Daylight Robbery
Licence To Kill Available After Staff Returns From Lunch Break
Kohl In Eye
कल वापस आना
One Paratha Is Not Enough
Dei. Another Dei.
Good Indian Girls Do Not Go To Casino
Sola Ghanta
ASCII Fail
Inispectre

Monday, 28 September 2015

Vagrant thoughts

(I live in a quiet neighbourhood. At least it’s quiet 355 days of the year. But during the days of the Ganesh festival, evenings and nights are cacophonous. There is a visarjan pond one lane away, where all of Vashi seems to converge to immerse their idols. I’m sound-sensitive, and find it difficult to even think straight when there’s a racket going on, so it means ten days of headaches for me. But it's also always a great time for people-watching, with the masses being present in no uncertain terms.)

...

This evening, gazing at the silent moon rise through the mango tree branches actually drowned out the visarjan drum-synth racket.

...

Speaking of drum-synth racket, was out watching the processions, and I see that there’s not a single ‘traditional’ drum there. The only traditional element: hand-cymbals. Otherwise just kettle drums, big bass drums, and over that pounding rhythm, the synthesisers.

My lane is where the music has to stop, for some reason. So what we get is the drummers giving it their all, really pounding the drums.

..

Two lanes away, the two kirana guys are open way past their usual time. There’s a brisk trade in water and soft drinks. The Maharashtrian chap who runs the local hole-in-the-wall restaurant has an extra counter selling vada-pav & bhajias; Rs 15 per bhajia-pav. The Sikh whose tandoori and kabab joint is usually open late (lots of drinkers pop by for oily protein) isn't selling today. Instead he has set up a counter to give away free tea. He, his family & staff are brewing it up in huge vessels, filling plastic cups, handing them to passing processionists. The proffered cups are taken without as much as a thank you and, chai drunk, discarded on the road, though the Sikh family has put out open cartons as dustbins. The wee commercial compound next door (garages & stuff) has a counter giving away water which is also grabbed by those passing by without thanks. Some gargle & spit first. The road is a wet mess.

..

Three political parties have set up elevated platforms; party dignitaries and family members sit there. Every time a big idol passes, one of the worthies takes to the microphone & greets them, loudly. Between idols, their kids shriek into the mic instead. The Congress Bhavan is next to the visarjan pond: their platform occupies prime position. The Shiv Sena is at the top of the road, the beginning of the final straight stretch. Between them sits the Maharashtra Navnirman Sena, in front of a hospital. Their loudspeakers are tied to a lamppost, under and over a sign that says, "Hospital: Silent Zone."

...

Older neighbours, gentle middle-class folk from many communities, have brought out chairs and are chatting, watching the processions. This spot is where the band-boys are paid off, where they break into absolute frenzy to ensure they get tipped well, I guess. A young(ish) woman is standing next to the group currently thundering away on its drums. Younger family members are grooving to the beat. The young(ish) woman is wearing skin-tight jeans & blouse, high heels. And, incongrously, a Gandhi topi over her poker-straight hair. Her figure is.. Kardashianesque. The elderly gentlemen sneak quick looks. The elderly ladies murmur to each other, but not disapprovingly. A little girl comes running up to the young(ish) woman, excited, pigtails bouncing, and is borne aloft. Everyone goes Awwww. The young(ish) woman & her little girl walk away, towards the pond, accompanying their idol. I follow. To see the immersion, you understand.

...

Stray observation amidst many stray observations, Every singke one of the idols I saw this evening had its skin painted some shade of pink. And that's a skin tone I've seen in Indians only in Kashmiris and people from Garwahl.

...

The pond is just off the road, accessed by a narrow lane, just wide enough for a lorry. Two landing areas have been prepared, at opposite ends. A makeshift pier, rafts made from sealed plastic drums with a platform tied on top: four of them, two large, two small. Young men, dripping wet, man the rafts. The big ones are attached to ropes, which are pulled from a point midway around the pond's shore and added momentum is provided by the boys: some paddle with their feet, sitting on the platform, others swim, pushing the raft.

The area is a little miracle in crowd-management. Somehow the cops keep everything moving smoothly. The lorries queue up next to the pond. Even as they wait, the lorry crews are dismantling the decorations around the idol. Drapery and support columns are taken apart. Flowers are gathered and deposited in huge fibreglass dustbins designed to look like urns, and in the waiting municipal dumpster. The queue inches forward. A forklift navigates the throng, miraculously not impaling anyone with its extended claws. It shambles up to the lorry and sticks its claws under the huge idol’s platform. Men on the lorry push the idol forward, inch by inch. Then, with ease (the idol is twice its height) the forklift lifts the idol off the flatbed, backs up, does a slow, sharp U-turn, and trundles the twenty-odd feet towards the slipway. It lowers the idol, platform & all. Men slide it down to the raft. It is steadied and then its seven-manpower engine churning the water, it glides out to the middle of the pond.

The smaller idols are decanted with some dignity. A swimmer receives it into his arms, and he lets it gently into the water, submerges ut once, then up to the surface once, then he and idol slowly sink below the green water. He then comes up, is pulled on to the raft, and all paddle back to shore.

With the big idols, the crew just shoves mightily, tipping them off. They fall in sideways, upside-down even. The hollow plaster interiors fill up, their unfinished surface visible. (Many of the idols are elaborately painted and decorated in front, but the backs are unfinished too; sometimes you see unpainted plaster.) The boys raise themselves off the sinking idol, pushing it downwards, and it disappears into the murk.

One idol proves tougher to deal with. It is an equestrian Ganesh. The horse is in the ‘salient’ pose (or is it 'rampant?' I'm not sure; but it's the one with front hooves in the air), but the sculptor’s skills did not extend to making the idol stable in that position, so a green mountainish surface support the horse's midriff. (The horse in this position in statues, if I recall correctly, indicates the rider died in battle. I guess the sculptor wasn't too concerned with that. Also, this steed kind of resembled the horses you see in merry-go-rounds. Kind of cute rather than martial.) The equestrian Ganesh was particularly unwieldy. When they finally managed to get it off the raft, it sank upside-down. Rather an undignified departure for the noble-but-cute animal and its divine rider.

...

At midnight, the throng is still dense, with no end in sight. But the cops have enforced the rules: no more frenzied drums and synths. The processionists, though, are still raucous, dancing away without music to dance to, just their own whistling and yelling. And the police whistles are plenty loud too. There’s a long night ahead for our guardians of the law.

At the pond, one more large idol is being ferried to the middle. As the raft drifts out, the people who brought the idol raise their hands to the sky. Not in prayer; the older people are singing their bhajans, sure, but the raised hands are holding cameras-that-also-make-calls and the glowing devices are bearing witness, recording videos of their Ganesh’s last voyage.

...

Time to stroll back home, through the sea of plastic cups and other trash. Tomorrow, the municipal trash collection folks have extra work. But my sleepy little neighbourhood will be quiet again, as it is 355 days of the year.