Delhi vs Bombay

Delhi: Jaantaa hai meraa baap kaun hai?
Bombay: Meraa baap kaa kyaa jaataa hai?

Mother Goose for start-ups

The numbers link to tweets where I originally posted these.

1.
Jack & Jill
Went up the hill
To fill their Series A
Jack came down
With 100 mill
& Jill got jack.
Y'know, woman entrepreneur.

2.
Twinkle, twinkle, start-up star,
O M G, you've come so far!
You got valuations sky-high,
But boss, where's the R O I?

3.
Humpty Dumpty built a mall
Humpty had discounts for 1 & all
All of the VCs gave him a call
& Humpty exited & had a ball

4.
Little Ms Muffet
Went to the buffet
To get herself some food
This kept her in office
She don't know what time off is
Start-up culture, dude

5.
Rock-a-bye baby: new biz opp
When the wind blows, sales will rock
The bubble'll pop, values'll fall
The investor's problem, not mine at all

6.
This little app's on the market
This little app's made a crore
The little app finds roast beef
So it only works in Bangalore

7.
I'm from IIM-B
Short & stout
Got a Twitter handle
Gimme a shout
That's my Uber calling
Gotta get out
VCs want to buy me out!

8.
Mary had a little lamb
(Her chef was cordon bleu)
Then bought a golden Mercedes Benz
Successful I P O!

9.
Here we go round the mulberry bush
The mulberry bush
The mulberry bush
Here we go round the mulberry bush
Investor meeting this morning

10.
Baba BlackWolf
Have you any wool?
Haanji haanji
Round 3's full
Some for the VC's eyes
Some for the dames
Some for carpet
In my private plane

11.
There was a crooked man
and he went a crooked mile
He found a crooked sixpence
And said, Woohoo! Capital!

12.
Oranges and lemons
Sold for a penny
For the e-grocers
Are so many
The grass is greener
On the e-com side
No it's not career
Suicide

13.
There was an old woman
Who lived in a shoe
Because she thought bootstrapping
Was the only thing to do

14.
Oh, The grand old Duke of York
He had ten thousand men
He marched them up to the top of the hill
And changed his business plan

15.
See, saw, Marjorie Daw
We shall have a new master
They booted out the founder CEO
Because he couldn't make profits faster

16.
CEO CEO
Where have you been?
I've been to London
To pitch to the Queen
CEO CEO
How did you fare?
She got her grandson
To throw me downstairs

17.
Jack be nimble
Jack you prick
Jack must pivot
Really quick
You aimed high
But you jumped low
And now the investors
Want profits to show

18.
Pat-a-cake pat-a-cake
Programmer man
Make me an app
As fast as you can
Code it & load it
And mark it ™
Put it in the AppStore
By 10 pm

19.
Little Bo Peep has lost her peeps
& can't tell where to hire more
She offered SOPs & late-night drops
But they all want to work offshore

20.
Little Boy Blue, pick up the phone
Clients are mad, systems are down
Where is the boy who fixes the F-ups?
In a cafe, pitching his start-up

21.
Little Jack Horner
Sat in the corner
Coding his new API
"It's Uber for [X]
It's better than sex..
..I think. Wouldn't know, would I?

22.
Two co-founders
Sitting on a wall
One named Peter
One named Paul
Fly away Peter
Fly away Paul
Professional managers
Are taking all the calls

23.
@ashonindia had a firm
A I, A I, Yo
Her software passed the Turing Test
A I, A I, Yo
With a Round 1 here & a Round 2 there
When's the IPO?

24.
Solomon Gru
Idea: Mon
Biz plan: Tue
Angel funds: Wed
Launch: Thu
Bills: Fri
Bankrupt: Sat
Jobhunt: Sun
This is the end Of Solomon Gru

25.
Bold Mama Hubbard
Went to the Board
To fetch the founders a bonus
But when she got there
The board was like "Meh"
& so the founders had none

26.
One, two
An idea! New!
Three four
Knock at PE doors
Five, six
Bloody dicks
Seven, eight
Harness your hate
Nine, ten
Start again

27.
Hickory dickory dock
Overvalued stock
The P:E ratio's 10:1
Where T F is my gun?
Hockery dorkery dick

Forgiving

That moment when what you think about something important — a person you admire, a job, a friendship — changes, drastically and irrevocably.

When you look back at it, cushioned from the pain by years of distance, you realise that it wasn't, after all, a particular deed or word that made the difference; you see that you had been suppressing the knowledge that things weren't the way you wanted them to be, and what that word, that deed, did was throw a harsh light on what you'd been hiding from yourself.

It is acceptance of the loss of illusion.

And then, all those years later, you start forgiving that person, and, more importantly, yourself.

When you accept that it was your perhaps unrealistic expectations, needs, desires, that played a role, when you accept your own fault, then maybe you'll find that that schism isn't as unbridgeable as you thought it was.

It is comfort — small comfort — when you're struggling with more recent turmoil, to know that one day you can reach that point. It would be nice to be able to get there more quickly. Ideally without ageing. : ) But that would take more internal evolution than some of us can manage without the help of the years.

An amateur pessimist's guide to the months of the year

A new year. New things to stress about. It's Januworry.

Only one month into the year and you're tired. Februweary.

Screw the dream; you sold out to the system. It must be Merch.

The world has made a monkey outa you. You're pissed. But what are you gonna do about it? It's only Aperile.

It's too hot to give a fuck about anything. Yay. It's Meh.

Your world-view is still jaundiced. Naturally. It's Jaune.

Ethics. Principles. Ju do what ju gotta do. Ju lie.

Couldn't get worse, yeah? It's Arghest.

But then you get Shitember.

And the world is just expectorant in Awk-thoo-ber.

Nothing will work to your advantage. It's Nahvember.

The world will bite you into little pieces. Because it can. And because it's Decmember.

An amateur pessimist's guide to the days of the week

Today is Shatterday. It's when you contemplate the remnants of the dreams of your youth.

Tomorrow, on Shunday, you tell the world to bugger off and leave you alone, because what's the point we're all alone anyway.

Then, on Mournday, you weep for all that is lost and will never come back except in your dreams and then you wake up.

On Twosday, shit happens. Twice.

Ah, here's Whensday. The day on which you wonder if all that you have worked for and planned for will ever come to pass.

Every Thirstday, the arid desert of existence will parch your soul.

Of course on Fryday you wonder if there's anything to the Christian take on the afterlife, because then you know where you're headed.

Museums of Bombay

When I was editing this piece for work, it struck me that I could test right away how much Bombaywallas knew about the city’s museums. So I asked on Twitter, Quick poll for Bombaywallas. How many museums in the city can you name (no Googling)? How many have you visited? And I got a bunch or responses. You can see all of them if you click through to the tweet thread.

I knew about most of these, and have visited a few (but not in a very long time), but some came as complete news to me. I did use the answers I got as a box for the piece, but that didn't get posted to the online version for some reason. So, sharing the wealth here, for those of you who, like me, know of some, but not all of them. Please tell me if I've missed any?

•Chhatrapati Shivaji Maharaj Vastu Sangrahalaya (Prince of Wales Museum), Fort
• Dr Bhau Daji Lad Museum (Victoria & Albert Museum), Rani Baug, Byculla
• Mani Bhavan Mahatma Gandhi Museum, Laburnum Road, Gamdevi
• RBI Monetary Museum, Sir Phirozshah Mehta Road, Fort
• BEST Transport Museum, Anik Depot, Wadala
• National Museum of Indian Cinema, G Deshmukh Marg (Peddar Road)
• National Gallery of Modern Art, Fort
• Nehru Science Centre, Worli
•National Maritime Museum (Ballard Bunder Gatehouse), Ballard Estate
• Bombay Natural History Society collections (open to students, researchers and amateur nature lovers with prior appointment), Kala Ghoda
• Railway Museum section, Chhatrapati Shivaji Terminus
• Western Railway Heritage Gallery, Western Railway Headquarters, Churchgate
• Dinesh Modi Numismatics Museum, Mumbai University, Kalina
• Mobai Bhavan (dedicated to the East Indian community), Manori
• Framji Dadabhoy Alpaiwalla Museum (dedicated to the Parsi community), Kemp’s Corner
• St Pius X College (Roman Catholic artefacts), Goregaon East
• The Acworth Leprosy Museum, Wadala

There are also a number of organised walks around the city, where you can get to see parts of our heritage in places that are not technically museums, but which are redolent with history.

(P)ink-stained wretches

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Sources familiar with developments say
I could get exclusive with you

***

How do I love thee?
...
Let me file a listicle
That counts the ways

***

Deadlines don't matter
For you I am aching
If you don't go out with me
My heart will be #Breaking

***

I'm nuts about you
I have to confess, love
No point denying it
They all know at Press Club

***

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
The Desk says no, that's way to clichéd

***

Hey I just met you
And this is crazy
But I have to file by 10pm
Or my boss will slay me

***

I love you more
Than press releases
You make me want
To stop the presses

***

I've searched north and south
and east and west
You're one I want
To be my conflict of interest

***

You say ink-stained wretches
Have no sense of romance
But I love you more
Than my travel allowance

***

Do not doubt my love for you
'Tis more powerful than wild horses
I have confirmation
From two independent sources

***

O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou a flack?
Quit that PR agency or if you won't. I'l quit being a hack

***

If you were any sweeter, your last name would be fondant
That's why I want to be your principal correspondent

***

I'll send you all my love by special cargo
And you can keep it in permanent embargo
#PRValentines

***

You and I, darling, have a special accord
Don't you think it's time we went off the record?

***

Some like Barkha & some like Rajdeep
I'm glad I like them both but, peeps,
I wonder if this channel switching
Is really all that bitching

Or are greater TRPs a sign?
Should I watch Newshour at nine?
Should I choose between anchor & anchor?
Or like the nation, watch that wanker?

***

Closing time in the newsroom
& I have an idea, my sweet
The paper will soon be put to bed
We should follow toute suite

***

Roses are red, pink, white, yellow, even black.. Sorry, where was I?
#ScienceWriterEdition

***

Attn: Desk,
Did I make you wait?
I'm so sorry my dears.
This Valentine ain't late,
It's early for next year.

More offspring of Animal Passions

Nudibranchs do autotomy which is really kinda neat
Post-Valentine's, they bobbitise themselves then grow new ones (& repeat)

***
Some fish are sequential hermaphrodites; i.e., they switch sex
So V-day can give new meaning to 'vice versa' and 'doing the ex'

***

But behold the Bombay Night Frog: they do it differently
He, er, gets onto her back, then relies on gravity

Feature writers wanted

After seven years at Forbes India in Network18, I've just moved to The Hindu. I'm part of the team launching the new Bombay edition that comes out for the first time this Saturday.

Part of my brief is to source great feature stories.

My immediate focus is the city of Bombay* and all its myriad facets (though later I will be looking for work from and about other parts of India and the world as well, so bookmark this and come back later if Bambai* isn't your thing). I'm looking for freelance feature writers who know the city intimately and write with skill, passion and insight, who can inform and entertain the intelligent reader. I'm looking for stories about the arts, culture, entertainment, sports, city life, education, business, politics.. anything and everything that makes Mumbai* tick, really. And if it's in some way linked to current events, so much the better.

If you don't know me, please check out my bonafides on LinkedIn, but don't message me there please; I rarely check that godawful site. And then email me (my name at Gmail) links to a few (not more than four) of your best pieces of writing and a reasonably detailed pitch that includes your credentials to do the piece. You could also tweet at me.

* I don't care what you call the city, as long as you don't get uptight about me calling it Bombay, as old friends can.

#SanskariJamesBond titles

a.k.a. [Invented in India] [Invented in India] 7

I set myself the task of doing ALL the Bond films, in order, in one burst on Twitter (where the hashtag mocked the Censor Board's shenanigans with S.P.E.C.T.R.E., so, well, uneven quality, to put it mildly. Please feel free to come up with better versions of the really lame ones.

Daaktar Sahib! Nahin!
From Russia With Dowry
सोने की ऊँगली
ठंडा Balls
You Only Live Ninety-Seven Times
Get Job In Indian Administrative Service
Diamonds Are Suitable Substitute For Scooter
Live And Let Reincarnate
The Man With The Gold Chain On Hairy Chest
The Spy Who Eve-Teased Me
Muckraker
For Your Aai Only
Octo[censored]
A View To A 2BHK
The Art Of Living Daylight Robbery
Licence To Kill Available After Staff Returns From Lunch Break
Kohl In Eye
कल वापस आना
One Paratha Is Not Enough
Dei. Another Dei.
Good Indian Girls Do Not Go To Casino
Sola Ghanta
ASCII Fail
Inispectre