Sunday 22 January 2006

In which we succumb to 55er mania

Succumb

‘Want to go up to the terrace while the order gets ready?’
‘Yes.’ As simple as that. No games.
...
Her eyes glistened in the moonlight.
‘I...’
Whack!
My cheek stung. ‘That was for presuming I’d say “Yes.”’
Whack!
The other cheek. Christ. She’s ambidextrous. ‘And that was for being right.’
And then she kissed me.

9th January 2006. 55 words.
The addition of the ellipsis thanks to excellent suggestion from an anonymous commenter,

7 comments:

J. Alfred Prufrock said...

Neat, very neat. The element of surprise makes for good erotica.

But why did she kiss him BEFORE they went up to the terrace?

J.A.P.

zigzackly said...

JAP,

Honoured.

The eyes glistening in the moonlight bit was supposed to indicate that they were on the terrace by then. Didn't work, I guess.

Anonymous said...


‘Yes.’ As simple as that. No games.
...
Her eyes glistened in the moonlight.

?

zigzackly said...

Anon

Would you care to expand on that question?

Anonymous said...

What I meant was putting ellipses between the two sentences would convey a sense of a break in narration, that of passing time, and the probably Mr. Prufrock would not wonder why she had kissed him BEFORE etc.

Anonymous said...

"and *then* probably Mr. Prufrock"..

zigzackly said...

Ah. Gotcha. Good suggestion. It shall be done. Many thanks.